Friday, May 9, 2014

Just one of oh-so-many examples why "oy" rhymes with "boy"...

Men have been known to lament the fact that the opposite sex can be complex, complicated, even downright...incomprehensible...creatures at times. Okay, I'll grant that. But I would argue that the male species can be just as much of a their own testosterone-fueled way. Or, since I obviously haven't ever experienced firsthand exactly what kind of...stuff...goes on in a boy's noggin, maybe it's just that I wish I'd been presented with a handy dandy Instruction Manual when my oldest son joined the mystical ranks of those known as "teenager".

So, here's the latest puzzling incident: I entered Derek's room to gently remind him it was time for him to start his extensive nightly "get ready for bed routine". He had been lying on his bed peacefully listening to music, but in a sudden outburst of energy he immediately sat up and declared, "There's a bee on my screen, and it won't leave!" I just stared at him, momentarily perplexed by this seemingly random information, so took the opportunity to continue, "I've been trying to decide what kind of bee it is, but I can't tell." (Ohhh-kaaay. Still not sure where this is going, son...)

But it turned out that I didn't even need to respond just yet, because he was gaining enthusiasm for his tale. "I got close and tried to see where its stinger was." (Uh-oh, this is not heading in a generally reassuring direction...) Aaannnnd, here comes the kicker: "I thought about (Are you ready for this? Brace yourself) LICKING it to see what would happen." Wait, I"m sorry, WHAT THE HECK did you just say? At this point I'm standing there, slack jawed in unfathomable disbelief...and not a little bit of horror. Meanwhile, he's laughing as if he recognizes the absurdity of what he's just confessed...or the sheer stupidity of his "plan"...or perhaps he's just amused by my expression. Then he glibly carries on, "But then I thought about how that would cause a lump on my tongue...and I wouldn't be able to I didn't," he smugly concluded.

Oh. My. Goodness. (Slapping hand to forehead and groaning...) Can someone please explain to me what in the name of all things sacred goes on in the mind of an adolescent male? I can't pretend to even begin to understand how their thought processes (such as they are) operate. I guess I should be grateful that he explained the reasoning (ish) behind this particular almost-incident. And of course...that he didn't actually go through with licking the damn bee. These sorts of things are just not covered in parent-education books or magazines. And I do not ever want to go to the Emergency Room with that kind of ridiculous story--"Um, I'm terribly sorry, it's just that my child is...well, a bit of an idiot, at times..." I'll bet you, though, that the hospital personnel would probably give a shrug, a knowing smirk, and a blithe, "Eh, teenagers, whattya gonna do?" And then, along with the bill for their services, I fervently hope they'd hand me a copy of What to Expect When You Have a Teenage Boy ....volumes 1-3. Now that would be worth the trip...almost...

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