Monday, November 29, 2010

Sarcasm as a way of life...

Often in the daily frenzy of Family Life, I am absolutely absorbed with such mundane tasks as: determinedly fighting to keep ahead of my To-Do List, madly shuttling people to where they need to be at any given time, competently ensuring that everyone has whatever food/ supplies/ moral support they require, etc. Time whizzes merrily along (yes, of course I'm shocked and appalled that it's December already...aren't you?) and yet, for long periods, I might not notice the subtle changes creeping in around me. Then out of the blue I'll get whacked with a sign I can't ignore--like Derek shooting up another inch, and getting even closer to my height. Or Riley losing 4 baby teeth in a single month, putting an end to his baby grin forever.

Other rites of passage are more understated. Derek has been teetering a fine line between "clinging" and "asserting independence" for a while now. He still likes to hang out with his family, but he'll spend time alone in his room too. He generally wants to know where I'm going and when I'll be back whenever I leave the house...but this past weekend we had the following exchange:

Me: "I'm planning to go shopping at 10."
D: "Okay" (eyes lighting up with recognized opportunity)--"can we play Wii then?"
[Time passes, I haven't made it out at my scheduled departure time (yeah, like THAT ever happens), and Derek comes looking for me]
D: "Why aren't you gone?"
Me: "I got busy doing other stuff...wait, do you want me to go away?"
D. "Yeah!"
Me: "That is sooo not the right answer!"
D: "Well, what is?"
Me: (hand over heart, slight catch in voice) "Don't leave, Mommy, stay with us forever!"
D: (head cocked, seeming to seriously consider this for a moment) "Are you sure you want to stay here with us gooberheads?"
Oh...you make an excellent point. (Exit Mom, Stage Right)

And now even Riley has jumped on the Melodrama Express (although frankly, he's such a frequent passenger, he should have a Lifetime Ticket). Just a little while ago, he meandered in from playing outside, and asked me if he should take a shower before putting on some warm pjs. His exact words actually were: "Smell me, do I need a shower?" (Gosh, honey, what a fabulous offer! Memo to me: remind him never to say that to a girl again--even if it is Mom!) I initially told him he was fine, but upon spying the ground-in dirt on his elbows, I reversed my decision and scooted him off to clean up. His face turned stormy, his voice quavered, and he demanded to know "then why did you tell me I didn't need to shower?" "I changed my mind," I blithely answered. He began to stomp out of the room, but almost immediately turned and retorted, with a sneer worthy of Elvis, in a voice positively dripping with sarcasm, and USING AIR QUOTES, "That's right, I changed my mind!" I couldn't help it; I exploded with laughter. My 7-year old son just air-quoted me for the first time. I'm so proud.

And may I just say, I have no idea where they get their sarcasm...or dramatic tendencies.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Talking Turkey...and stuff

Today, in honor of Thanksgiving, I will be serving up a mildly-seasoned rant, with just a dollop of old-fashioned snark, accompanied by a heaping side of nostalgia.

Let me begin by affirming how much I adore Thanksgiving. It has always represented many special things to me: delicious food (and so much of it!), family togetherness (and...sooo much of it...), and the sentimental start to the entire Holiday Season Extravaganza. When I was growing up, my family always anticipated Thanksgiving as a worthy event in-and-of itself, not just something to get through, in order to reach Christmas faster (although I must admit that my siblings and I did not deny ourselves the Santa-stic ritual of "Perusing the Toy Catalogs" when they plopped into the mailbox right after Halloween). So, we'd feast and frolic, and then, after Thanksgiving Day had been given its full measure of attention and appreciation, my mom would suddenly morph into a whirlwind Christmas Elf. I remember vividly: each November she'd always deck the halls--in full twinkly, glittery, piney grandeur--the weekend immediately following Thanksgiving. And we were allowed to turn on Christmas music for the first time when the decorations came out as well--not one minute before!

Not surprisingly, I adopted my mother's holiday practices without even thinking about it. My sons know that tomorrow or Saturday, the enormous Rubbermaid boxes will be hauled up from the storage room, the Yule Bling will get unpacked, and their Mom will start belting out the Johnny Mathis Christmas Album (yeah, an oldie-but-goodie also inherited from the 'Rents) while transforming the house into Noel Central. We'll watch The Grinch (classic--I know each and every word, don't test me!) and The Year Without a Santa Claus (new classic--how could you not love Heat Miser and Snow Miser?), and hang our treasured ornaments on the (allergy-friendly artificial) tree, and plan what yummy snacks to concoct for our upcoming Holiday Open House.

And (here comes the "rant" I promised...or threatened...whatever) what will we NOT be doing? Shopping...on Thanksgiving...when the stores are now starting their "Black Friday Sales". (Really? What mega-genius came up with that idea..."hmm, let me cram in the last bite of pumpkin pie, leap up from the dinner table and go...buy stuff"?) A few years ago, I took it as a definite Sign of the Apocalypse that one local radio station, which used to start playing Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving--just exactly when we were ready for it--started the 24/7 Holiday Songs the week before Turkey Day. This year, they've moved it back another week. Is it just me, or is the message: "skip the gratitude, get right to the consumerism"? (Not to mention, there is an absolute limit to how many times one can hear "Feliz Navidad" in a month, without wanting to toss your sugar cookies, am I right?) Christmas lights and stockings and wrapping paper now appear on shelves as Halloween costumes are being cleared away (I blame Bad Elves!) Shopping Centers these days put up their lights and banners in early November; frankly, to me it feels like they're trying to force the Holiday Spirit (get in a celebratory mood RIGHT NOW, darn it...or else!)

But in this house, we are busy making cheesy potatoes to take to dinner at Mom's. While lounging in our pajamas, we might watch a Thanksgiving Parade. The boys certainly will find a football game on TV that requires their undivided concentration. Later, there will be lots of munching and cousin-wrestling and conversation and laughter. (Yes, a toy catalog might get passed around.) And then, over the river and through the woods on the way home from Grammy's (my Mom's) house, we just may put in a Christmas CD, and chat about the decorating and party-planning that awaits us...tomorrow (after we sleep off the Food Coma)! So here's wishing everyone a warm and wonderful Thanksgiving Day; may you enjoy it to the fullest, and chillax to the max! (For tomorrow...we break out the tinsel!)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Gratitude, with a little attitude

Well, here we are facing down Thanksgiving once more, that cherished day of family get-togethers, gratefulness and gluttony. (Not to sound like a broken record, but where the HECK did November go already? Wasn't it just Halloween, like yesterday? I swear I'm in my own little time warp, where I inexplicably misplace weeks out of my life, then wake up one day wondering what happened. Without looking at a calendar, I could not tell you whether it was the 1st, the 15th or the--gulp--22nd? What the...see what I mean?)

Anyway, it's time to reflect on all the blessings in our lives, and remember the many reasons we have to be thankful. Without further ado, my own personal Top 10 List (Official Disclaimer: this is not meant to be comprehensive; it is limited NOT because these are the only things I could think of, but to keep me from rambling on and on...as I have been known to do...)

1. Family--the parents who raised me, the sister who knows me better than anyone else on the planet (and yet still likes me somehow : ), the brother I used to torment and tease--oh wait, I still do that. Quite simply, they helped make me the person I am today, so blame them...I mean "thanks, beloved family!"

2. "My boys"--an easygoing, good-natured husband who puts up with me (even though I'm positive that I'm frequently difficult to get along with!) and two sons who are growing into unique, interesting, often hilarious little men. All the testosterone around here can be overwhelming at times, but as long as I get to be the Queen, it works for me!

3. Particularly this year, with the economic hard times and natural disasters that the world has endured, I am especially grateful to have food, shelter, and clothing.

4. Bonus: both Husband and I have jobs...EXTRA Bonus: we actually enjoy our work. It is a privilege to get paid to do something you love, and sometimes I have to remind myself not to take that for granted.

5. Friends--some who've known me for decades, some I've met through kids' school or activities, or my job. All of them provide me with laughter, support, advice, and their own special way of looking at things. They open my eyes, broaden my horizons, and make life a heck of a lot more fun!

6. Okay, that's enough of the "serious stuff", right? Now on to some of the things that add sugar and spice to life...such as chocolate. Hot chocolate, Dove chocolates, chocolate chip cookies, Ghirardelli brownies, Hershey's Special Dark bars...give me some chocolate every day, and I'm a happy girl!

7. Music--ask my children how much I enjoy belting out a tune at the top of my lungs (just don't ask them how much they wish I'd stop, though!) And while we're at it: thank goodness for Glee!

8. Naps...an hour under a blanket in a quiet house, with my lavender-scented eye-thingy blocking out all the light, and I feel like a brand new person (one who's not cranky and growly and unpleasant to be around).

9. Books--reading has always been my Great Escape. Some of my earliest memories include times when, implored by my desperate mother to "go outside and get some fresh air", I would take a book with me and sit on the lawn in the sunshine, lost in another time and place. Getting completely immersed in a story is still one of my most treasured pastimes.

10. Computers! As I sit typing on my laptop, taking breaks to check email or update my Facebook status ("still cranking out my blog...experiencing writer's block...back soon!"), I marvel at the way technology has shaped our lives. Derek asks me a question I'm not sure how to answer; we Google it (and cross-check our sources, of course...ha!). We missed the O's game last night--ESPN.com tells us instantly how it turned out (although this is probably a case of "ignorance is bliss"). A friend wants to show her kids an old photo of us from college--I scan and email it to her (well, depending on exactly how embarrassing/unflattering it is). Endless access to information, endless opportunities to stay in touch with loved ones.

And on that note, time to get myself some chocolate milk, turn on some music, and curl up with a good book! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I hope you studied!

November has snuck in once again, dark and cool, stealthy and quiet. However, she did manage to set off several alarm bells around here, most notably the end of one quarter of school (and after completing conferences with the boys' teachers, I'm pleased to report that no one has been thrown out of 2nd or 5th grades yet); the true arrival of Fall (in the form of shorter days, crisp temps, and tumbling leaves); and finally, the imminent approach of Thanksgiving (or, as we like to call it, the Food-and-Family-Togetherness Holiday). With these things in mind, I've prepared a special Pop Quiz for my beloved family and friends, to help speed along these last few Pre-Turkey days...

Question 1: Math
If the Pilgrims were traveling in 2010, would they be better off flying to the New World--or would the Mayflower still be more efficient than: driving to the airport the day before Thanksgiving, searching for a parking spot, standing in the Security Line, removing their 17th-century footwear, scanning their steamer trunks, queuing up for airplane snacks, and then waiting around for their flight to be called? Calculate the time difference between the two methods of travel and write a recommendation for maximizing Potential Feast Time. Extra-credit: adjust for 21st century customs such as Football Viewing and Multiple-Relative-Visitation.

Question 2: Health and Nutrition
Which item would most offend and/or horrify the Pilgrims at a modern-day Thanksgiving celebration:
A. cranberry sauce that remains in the shape of the can in which it was packaged
B. sweet potatoes smothered in marshmallows (a substance NOT found in nature)
C. pumpkin pie topped with whipped cream sprayed from a can

Question 3: Philosophy
Part 1: If leaves fall in the backyard and no one hears them land...do I still have to rake?
Part 2: When finished raking for the day, does taunting Nature--"I dare you to drop more leaves, go ahead, you punk tree, make my day"!--cause her to send rain and wind and cover your yard knee-deep in fresh leaves within 24-hours? (Purely hypothetical, of course, but the correct answer, from recent personal experience, is indisputably: Y-E-S!)

Question 4: Math again
Formulate and solve the equation for the following: A woman of weight X who typically eats Y number of calories per day will need to rake and haul how many more goshdarn piles of leaves before she can justify another helping of...everything?

Question 5: Health and Nutrition again
As a vegetarian who does not partake of the Thanksgiving fowl, I should ensure a well-rounded meal by substituting which of the following:
A. extra mashed potatoes (potatoes are a vegetable...even when enhanced by milk and butter)
B. extra stuffing (it's bread--couldn't that be a "whole grain"?)
C. extra broccoli casserole (not only a vegetable, but a green one! or does the pound of Velveeta melted over it cancel out all of the vitamins?)
D. all of the above (I think the answer is clear...this one is a "gimme"!)

Question 6: English
Write a detailed essay addressing the following topics:
List and describe at least 3 health benefits of raking. You may include the following: cardiovascular, strength training, Vitamin D absorption, fresh air, and mood enhancement. Give specific examples to support your choices.

"After having thoroughly cleared the yard of leaves 3 or 4 times, at which point the novelty of raking has completely worn off for this year, the proper course of action is to give up, let the leaves take over, and retreat inside for hot chocolate". Support or refute.

Well, get to work! I'll be over here in the corner, with my feet up, sipping some hot chocolate...with mounds of spray whipped cream!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Today's Headlines...(family style)

Today's agenda: clear the sticky notes off my writing table and my laptop lid, which means: a compilation of Recent Random Kid Comments (And on a tangentially-related topic: what in the world did people do before post-its? Scribble on their walls? Jot down notes on little bits of paper and place them under whatever was handy, praying they didn't blow away? Who could've guessed that simple, clingy notepaper would revolutionize our lives...)

Anyway, I'll start with Riley. He came home one day after school and approached me very seriously with his "I have something to discuss" face. He led with, "Mom, do you think this was a good choice," at which point my Maternal Alarm went into overdrive, leaping from one nightmare scenario to the next: "No! I don't care if your friends said it would taste good, don't try it! Even if everyone else was jumping off, don't you do it! It doesn't matter if they promised you wouldn't get caught, walk away!" Fortunately, that was all inside my head, as he calmly continued, "I was invited by my student teacher to do fractions at lunchtime." I think I started breathing again at this point, as I assured him that yes, indeed, Lunchtime Fractions sounds like an awesome, really cool thing to do. Of course, part of me has to wonder, does Fractions Club give you 2nd grade street cred, or are they the unfortunate kids who get their heads stuffed into toilets after recess? Hopefully my little Math Nerd will have a positive experience with his other Common Denominators (hahahaha--a math joke! I crack myself up...)

Of course, there is a follow-up to this story, also known as the "Math Can Come Back to Bite You in the Butt" Corollary...the other night I had made a potato-and-green-bean dish for dinner, from which Riley proceeded to pick out an eat each and every one of the beans, leaving a pile of potatoes (blatant Starch Discrimination, I tell you). When asked why he had done this, he responded that he absolutely could NOT eat the potatoes...since they were not congruent...or symmetrical. Oh. Good. Grief. (I was unable to argue with this, as he was 100% correct, both in the evaluation of the spuds, and in the application of the math terminology. Also, I believe he achieved his ultimate objective: making his brother snarf his drink while nearly falling off his chair with hysterical laughter. Yes, this is what constitutes a successful Family Dinner at our house.)

And speaking of Derek, he's walking that fine line between Childhood and Growing Up, as usual. He recently unveiled his newest Life Plan, which involves: continuing to play soccer, making his High School team, getting an Athletic Scholarship to a competitive Division I College or University, being selected for Team USA and participating in the Olympics, then ultimately playing professionally for a European Squad. Oh, and he's going to be in a popular, successful band also. You know, in his free time. I would like to assume that one of his unstated--but critically important--goals would be to take care of his Mom and Dad so that they could retire early and live a Life of Leisure and Recreation (following him around Europe to catch his soccer matches and concerts). However, we may have to work on that, since the last time the subject came up during a Family Discussion, he said he'd like to go to New Mexico State University. Why? "Because it sounds cool, and it's far away from you people!" Now, he DID deliver this line with a huge grin and a voice full of laughter; considering that we have a few more years of brainwashing ahead of us, I think we'll be able to insinuate ourselves into the Master Plan without too much trouble!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Romeo and Juliet...with a rabbit

My Casanova 5th-grade son brought home a note from a girl today--a neatly-written, politely-worded message that he had apparently tucked carelessly into his backpack for me to find, along with his Homework Folder and Patrol Belt. Now, at this point in his life, Derek would not likely notice a member of the opposite sex unless she: A) kicked a soccer ball at him or B) tried to steal his lunch. Thus the communique was actually addressed to Mom and Dad (smart young lady, go right for the Parentals). In it, Wendy* (names have been altered to protect the pre-pubescent) states her name and address (very practical), and describes her relationship with Derek (according to her, they "sit together at lunch" and "talk to each other often"--so far, so good, it sounds extremely...Elementary School). She goes on to invite him over to her house...to meet her family and her pet bunny. How. Freakin'. Cute. Is. That? (Maybe it's some kind of Tween Test--if the bunny decides it doesn't like him, it's a Dealbreaker for the friendship?)

I must confess, as I stood in the kitchen, clutching the paper in one hand, the other hand clapped over my mouth, I felt torn between horror (my baby is WAAAY too young for this!) and admiration for this little girl. I mean, what a brave 10-year old, to not only tackle (figuratively only, I pray) a clueless boy  and try to get his attention, but also to lay it out there for his mother and father? Wow. And maybe she does know Derek pretty well, because her postscript offered...hot chocolate. If she'd just mentioned mini-marshmallows, she would have had him absolutely wrapped up. Perhaps he can negotiate that detail with her, since she ended with: her email address. Like I said, Derek could not possibly be less aware of--or interested in--girls right now. And it's a good thing, because the second he starts appreciating them...I'm locking him in his room and grounding him indefinitely. Yeah, that should work, right?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Wardrobe Malfunction

As the mother of two boys, I am mercifully spared from having to deal with anything involving "Fashion".  Neither one of them is picky (yet) about what their clothes look like, or what logos they have; and when it comes time to get dressed in the morning, they just snatch something from the drawer (or the clean laundry pile) and throw it on. They don't accessorize; heck, they don't even MATCH most of the time. My Mom Filter has learned to tune out the nausea-inducing color combinations they choose (it's a defense mechanism, honed over years of Evolution, I'm sure. Cave Moms probably got tired of yelling, "for the love of Pteradactyl, how many times do I have to tell you, saber-toothed tiger print clashes with mastodon?!" But I digress...). My eyes do a quick head-to-toe scan, and as long as I register that the outfit-of-the-day includes both shirt and pants, I'm satisfied.

Here comes the big BUT. Both Derek and Riley seem to be especially warm-blooded creatures, with enviable Internal Heaters that keep them toasty despite such pesky nuisances as freezing temperatures, wind chill, etc. Thus, they prefer to wear as little clothing as Mom will allow them to get away with on a regular basis. In the Spring and Summer this is easy--as soon as I give the Official Parental Okay, it's shorts and t-shirts from April to October. And our weather generally cooperates, remaining on the warmish side until Halloween. However, shortly after that, we suddenly get overnight temperatures in the 30s, and morning frost. When that happens, I feel I must insist on...long pants when they leave the house (horrified gasp! Awful Mommy!) Derek, although he misses his shorts, and reminisces fondly about the warm days when he could let his knees hang out in the breeze, accepts this Seasonal Fashion Declaration with good grace. Then, there's Riley...who had a COLOSSAL meltdown (pun intended), punctuated by sobbing; stomping feet; exaggerated sighing; loud ranting about how hot he's going to be in his classroom; and finally, pulling up of the pant-legs to demonstrate how much more comfortable he would be in shorts...

At long last, he announced dramatically that he was going to bed--and by the way, there would be no need to tuck him in, thank you very much. And with a huffy Good Night, he swept from the room. Whew! Give the kid a Junior Oscar for that heartfelt performance! Now here's where "thank goodness for boys" comes into play. The next morning when he got up and emerged from his bedroom--without the storm clouds--he earnestly announced that he had come up with a solution to his problem. "Since I have to be warm at recess or they won't let me play outside, I'll wear long pants to school. Then when I get home, can I change into shorts to run around our own yard?" Oh sure, why not, honey? The risk of frostbitten shins seems such a small price to pay, to avoid an encore showing of the Terrible Trousers Tantrum!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Daily Grind...

Some women seem to glide through their busy lives--juggling kids' activities, work commitments, and personal pursuits--displaying both infallible organization and unflappable calm, all while managing to appear attractively coiffed and fashionably accessorized. Although I envy them greatly, I am NOT one of these women. On a normal weekday, I'm lucky to tear out of the house with my hair brushed, wearing two matching socks (Bonus Points for remembering earrings, but only partial credit for skipping breakfast...again. Hey, coffee counts, right?). And why does this happen, you may wonder? Let's break down a typical morning at Casa WestEnders...

It begins at 7:45, the very latest Derek and Riley can be allowed to lounge in their beds and still have time to prepare for their school day. Husband does the first round, cheerfully calling "wakey, wakey!" as he opens the curtains to let in morning sunlight (which has absolutely no effect when the boys' heads are completely buried beneath their covers.) A few minutes later, I assume my first role of the day, Drill Sergeant, and threaten the kids with their worst nightmare (no time for breakfast--gasp!) if they don't get up right now. I then quickly switch to Short Order Cook/Waitress as the ravenous beasts demand their several-course morning repast. From there, I briefly play Meteorologist, reporting on the relevant weather news of the day: what the temperature is at the moment, what the "daily high" will be later, and whether any precipitation is expected. I also double as a Stylist during this segment, as the boys require advice as to appropriate clothing choices ("I don't care if you're not cold, it's November, put on some long pants" is a current recurring theme.)


At some point, I squeeze in a few moments as a Barista, making myself a crucial espresso (or two) and chugging it amidst the chaos. Then I hastily select and toss on an outfit from my own closet, apply enough makeup to look Reasonably Awake and Alert, brush my teeth, and rally the troops for the Big Exit. Of course, there's no time in the split-second itinerary to walk to the bus stop (it takes 3.5 minutes, and we haven't done it in the 6 years Derek has been in school so far), so we grab lunches, backpacks, jackets, etc. and pile into the car. Depending on how late we are, I may resemble the very craziest New York City Taxicab Driver--barreling down the street, scaring pedestrians onto the sidewalk, honking my horn--so desperate am I not to miss the bus. (Okay, before you call the police on me, this is a total exaggeration. Really, I'm only cursing like a taxicab driver...in my head, anyway...) Then, with Derek and Riley safely on their way to school, I can relax and become Professional Working Mom for a few hours.


Fast forward to when we all get home, and a new set of jobs awaits. First, there's Educational Support Staff: supervising homework, checking answers, signing papers, corralling assignments. Of course, the caged animals must be allowed to run free for a while after being stuck in a classroom all day, so they will require a Playground Monitor to mediate the inevitable backyard disagreements. All too soon, we must switch to Soccer Mode, in which they need a Trainer to help them gear up for practice--tying cleats, tightening shinguards, filling water bottles, finding balls. While they're gone, I go into Nutritionist Mode, using the time to throw dinner together and to plan what to serve for the rest of the week's hectic evening meals (hmm, will anyone notice if we eat pizza two nights this week?)


Finally, after all the hullabaloo winds down, the magical hour of the night arrives ("Almost-Made-It-To-Bedtime") when we all bring a book and climb into the King-sized bed in Mom and Dad's room, for Snuggle and Reading Time. Rest up, weary people, for tomorrow, the carousel starts spinning again at 7:45 sharp! (Tomorrow I will attempt: to eat breakfast; to leave the house calmly and make it to the bus stop with time to spare; and to actually grab the right shoes on my way out the door, so I don't spend the rest of the day worrying about how they clash with my pants. Lofty goals, I realize...Wish me luck!)