I hope you studied!

November has snuck in once again, dark and cool, stealthy and quiet. However, she did manage to set off several alarm bells around here, most notably the end of one quarter of school (and after completing conferences with the boys' teachers, I'm pleased to report that no one has been thrown out of 2nd or 5th grades yet); the true arrival of Fall (in the form of shorter days, crisp temps, and tumbling leaves); and finally, the imminent approach of Thanksgiving (or, as we like to call it, the Food-and-Family-Togetherness Holiday). With these things in mind, I've prepared a special Pop Quiz for my beloved family and friends, to help speed along these last few Pre-Turkey days...

Question 1: Math
If the Pilgrims were traveling in 2010, would they be better off flying to the New World--or would the Mayflower still be more efficient than: driving to the airport the day before Thanksgiving, searching for a parking spot, standing in the Security Line, removing their 17th-century footwear, scanning their steamer trunks, queuing up for airplane snacks, and then waiting around for their flight to be called? Calculate the time difference between the two methods of travel and write a recommendation for maximizing Potential Feast Time. Extra-credit: adjust for 21st century customs such as Football Viewing and Multiple-Relative-Visitation.

Question 2: Health and Nutrition
Which item would most offend and/or horrify the Pilgrims at a modern-day Thanksgiving celebration:
A. cranberry sauce that remains in the shape of the can in which it was packaged
B. sweet potatoes smothered in marshmallows (a substance NOT found in nature)
C. pumpkin pie topped with whipped cream sprayed from a can

Question 3: Philosophy
Part 1: If leaves fall in the backyard and no one hears them land...do I still have to rake?
Part 2: When finished raking for the day, does taunting Nature--"I dare you to drop more leaves, go ahead, you punk tree, make my day"!--cause her to send rain and wind and cover your yard knee-deep in fresh leaves within 24-hours? (Purely hypothetical, of course, but the correct answer, from recent personal experience, is indisputably: Y-E-S!)

Question 4: Math again
Formulate and solve the equation for the following: A woman of weight X who typically eats Y number of calories per day will need to rake and haul how many more goshdarn piles of leaves before she can justify another helping of...everything?

Question 5: Health and Nutrition again
As a vegetarian who does not partake of the Thanksgiving fowl, I should ensure a well-rounded meal by substituting which of the following:
A. extra mashed potatoes (potatoes are a vegetable...even when enhanced by milk and butter)
B. extra stuffing (it's bread--couldn't that be a "whole grain"?)
C. extra broccoli casserole (not only a vegetable, but a green one! or does the pound of Velveeta melted over it cancel out all of the vitamins?)
D. all of the above (I think the answer is clear...this one is a "gimme"!)

Question 6: English
Write a detailed essay addressing the following topics:
List and describe at least 3 health benefits of raking. You may include the following: cardiovascular, strength training, Vitamin D absorption, fresh air, and mood enhancement. Give specific examples to support your choices.

"After having thoroughly cleared the yard of leaves 3 or 4 times, at which point the novelty of raking has completely worn off for this year, the proper course of action is to give up, let the leaves take over, and retreat inside for hot chocolate". Support or refute.

Well, get to work! I'll be over here in the corner, with my feet up, sipping some hot chocolate...with mounds of spray whipped cream!