Friday, July 31, 2009

Summer + Homework = ?

My kids get a Summer Homework packet from their school each year. I understand why--in the long, carefree weeks of summer, the 10 previous months of hard learning has a tendency to drip away like ice cream, slipping and sliding out of their brains. The assignments include some reading and writing tasks, which to my way of thinking encourages lying in a hammock under a tree with a good book. But then...there's Math. Math in the summertime should be something like: "calculate the number of hours until sunset. Divide by the amount of lemonade one must drink to remain hydrated while outside playing baseball until it is completely dark." Or "if wearing SPF 90+, how much longer can one stay in the pool?" (remember to subtract 'number of dunkings'). I always resign myself to some addition, some subtraction, maybe some measuring...but this year, I had to buy my older son a PROTRACTOR. Remember those little semi-circular pieces of plastic, used to measure angles in geometry? That's the one. I don't think they trusted us with those until Middle School, at least, but now apparently they just go ahead and spring them on 9-year olds. It's just not right, I'm telling you...unless of course they want us to measure the correct angle to be used when setting up the hammock...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Making the Band (kiddie style)

"Mom, it's time for band practice!" my son bellowed as he thundered past me out the door, guitar in hand. The neighborhood "gang", apparently bored with their daily regimen of basketball/baseball/soccer/skateboarding, had decided to add music to the mix.

So this Motley Crew (12-year old boy, my 9 and 5-year old sons, 8 and 6-year old sister and brother) huddled on the back porch for a "band meeting", clutching handwritten lyrics, discussing which songs to sing and which instruments to assign. These negotiations became quite heated, as 6-year old Gary, lacking musical experience, nevertheless insisted they find something for him to do. (Sadly, they didn't have a tambourine, but eventually settled on maracas).

The next roadblock to their success came when it was time to decide on singers. The lone female (Diva-in-training) demanded that she sing lead. And while my older son is content to play guitar and avoid the spotlight, the younger one vigorously campaigned for the job of frontman. So, in the time-honored manner of musicians everywhere, they held "auditions". It was Junior American Idol, complete with a panel of judges and criticial comments Simon Cowell himself would have loved. ("Can you sing louder"? "You have to be on key"! "Get off the stage"!)

I don't think they've actually rehearsed a song yet, what with all the bickering and subsequent ego-soothing that has to be done, not to mention that at least one person storms out of each practice session, dramatically proclaiming, "That's it, I quit!"

Isn't that adorable? They don't even have a band name, and they're already having "creative differences"! Next they can kick someone out for his or her "attitude problem". Or someone can declare that they're leaving to pursue "solo projects". They can disappoint their tearful fans by breaking up...then call a Press Conference to announce a change of heart...and a Reunion Tour! I think they need a Manager; I'm going to go write myself a contract...including a nice 20% fee. Rock on!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Life in the Fast Lane

Today something occurred to me while I was setting the DVR to record (another thought, that is, besides the fact that I have to stop myself EVERY time from saying I'm "taping" a show): my kids will have only a passing memory of what a VCR is. We switched from VHS tapes when they were younger, and I was sick to death of rewinding Baby Einstein over and over. This daydream led me to other inventions I grew up with that have become obsolete...

cassette tapes--they will remember these only because my husband paid extra to have a cassette deck put in his car when he bought it (don't ask me why--he's a total techie in all other ways).
CDs--these are of course still around, but becoming unnecessary, when you can download songs and carry your entire music collection around in your pocket on an MP3 player.
typewriters--I have tried to explain these machines to them, and they stare at me incredulously, waiting to see if I'm joking. (They did manage to ask in stunned disbelief, "How do you SAVE things? What if you make a mistake? Then we had to discuss "White-Out...")
pay phone
--they won't ever have to dig up enough change to make a call...or wrestle with a huge telephone book to find the number they want. Heck, they don't even need to call anyone at all, since e-mail or texting are quicker and easier!
banks--when they need money, they won't have to make sure the building is actually open for business, thanks to ATMs and online accounts (how I ever lived without them, in the Dark Ages, is beyond me).
cash--who needs it when there's plastic (thank goodness, as I've been known to charge a 2-dollar coffee at Dunkin' Donuts!)
photographic film--I still have both kinds of cameras, but my kids went straight to digital, meaning that they always ask, "Can I see the picture?" after I take one of them.

I'm sure you can think of other things that were wondrous and magical when they first debuted, and now seem like relics for a Museum of Ancient (Pre-Technology) History. And as I sit here and finish this up on my laptop computer (backspacing over typos, cutting and pasting sentences from one place to another, auto-saving my work), I feel very grateful for the advances of modern life!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Cleanup in the Produce Aisle...

Even in their long-ago "baby days", my boys always loved to get out of the house...Target, CVS, Starbucks, it didn't matter, as long as we were going someplace. And our trips were pleasant, relaxing jaunts that helped to pass the stay-at-home days. (After all this time, I may be completely deluded about these supposedly idyllic outings, but that's how it's been filtered into my Mommy Memory anyway.) With this early "training" behind them, they have remained excellent shopping partners...so long as there's only ONE of them with me. Take the grocery store, for instance. Derek will walk calmly beside me, helping to select and weigh the nectarines, scanning the yogurts, reading labels to choose a healthy breakfast cereal, bagging our items. Riley will read sales stickers, compare prices, and make dinner suggestions for that week. Taken separately, each of them is a quiet, polite, and appropriate young man.

But throw them together on the same trip, and it all goes to heck in a handbasket (or cart, as it were). Last week's excursion to Giant is a case in point. Without any warning whatsoever, upon entering the store they went into immediate Action Hero mode. Derek dived behind the lettuce display, waving the self-scanner like a laser gun at invisible pursuers (armed with deadly cucumbers, perhaps?). Riley ducked below the apples, only his eyes showing as he peeked up like a Red Delicious Warrior. At some secret signal from Headquarters, Derek vaulted out...and scanned a nice little old lady's tushie. Riley followed his brother, adding a convincing commando yell. (The unsuspecting shopper was startled, but managed to keep a firm grip on her strawberries...and escaped without reporting us to the General--I mean Store Manager.)

At this point, I REALLY wanted to pretend I didn't even know them--give a disgusted look and walk away, muttering about "young hooligans today, and the parents who let them out in public".) But I was too late; one of them tagged me as "Mom". (That's "Commander Mom" to you.) Thinking quickly in a tight spot, I settled for explaining that I had recently found the two of them in my backyard and decided to take them in, even though I was pretty sure they had been raised by wolves up to this point. Somehow, I don't think anyone believed me. Next time I'm definitely buying food in a town where no one recognizes us...and packing my own Zucchini Gun just in case...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Superhero Brothers: Danger Boy vs. Caution Man

I don't know if it's because of summertime, and spending LOTS of time together, or because of their particular ages right now, but the differences between my two sons have become more and more pronounced lately. Specifically, this translates to the younger one brazenly flaunting his Thrill-seeking Nature, and the older one calmly demonstrating his Analytical Personality.

I first noticed it in Disney World, of all places. Riley tore off toward Goofy's Barnstormer rollercoaster, dragging me by the hand and whooping with anticipation. Derek took one look at the ride and stopped dead in his tracks like a balky mule, utterly refusing to give it a whirl. Riley loved the classic Haunted Mansion in all its spooky glory; Derek pulled his hat down over his eyes for the length of the trip. Without hesitation, Riley donned a snorkel mask and lifevest and paddled through a miniature reef, surrounded by sharks and stingrays. Derek ventured about a foot into the water and freaked out, at which point the kindly lifeguard hauled him back to shore.

And I believe that kind of sums it up: R flings himself into experiences with abandon, without giving a thought to the potential consequences. D thinks first, weighs the risks, and then often talks himself out of whatever it is, in his head. But they're 9 and almost-6 year old boys now, so from this point on, life is just going to keep presenting new, more exciting, and more challenging stuff to try. Maybe I can count on Caution Man to keep Danger Boy in line...or at least to tell Mom before things get TOO out of hand!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

(Not quite ready for...)Boom Boom Huckjam*!

My children have suddenly morphed into skate punks. It happened seemingly overnight. One day they were cute little helmeted tots, zipping around the driveway on their scooters..the next it was all "hey, dude, wanna see me do an ollie?" (I don't even know what that means!) I do know they've added pads to their equipment (thank goodness), and they're out there "grinding" with the older boys for hours and hours each day. I have also learned that a "double rim" skateboard is far superior to its pitiful "single rim" cousin, in terms of being able to (theoretically at least) do cool stunts. So the enterprising Wachs Terrace Gang are already dreaming big things--to learn tricks, make videos (okay, "have Mom film us"), perform for the neighbors, maybe extort a little money from the kindhearted parents who come to watch their "shows". And as their Manager, I have my own plan: collect those earnings and tuck them safely away in a Broken Bones/Stitches/ER Fund....or college, if the Professional Skate Circuit doesn't pan out!

*We heard an advertisement on the car radio one day when Derek was about 2 years old. It was for Tony Hawk's Boom Boom Huckjam Tour and we all repeated it and giggled uncontrollably the rest of the ride. These days, Tony Hawk's a household name and has even been invited to visit the White House, yet somehow I still don't know what a Boom Boom Huckjam is. Hopefully someday one of the boys will tell me...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Chivalry! Charity! (and other virtues of Robin Hood)

Thanks to the beauty of Netflix, I've lately gotten WAAY into watching a BBC series called Robin Hood. It boasts all the expected characters, from the heroic outlaw Robin of Locksley, to his loyal band of misfits, to the notorious, deliciously-evil Sheriff of Nottingham, to the chaste-but-spunky Marian.
On a recent morning, I had 2 episodes left on the DVD I wanted to return that day, so I settled down to watch with my coffee. Of course, in wandered the children, drawn like moths to the irresistable lure of the TV screen. I fielded the inevitable questions: "whatcha watchin'?" "what's it about?" "who's that...is he a good or a bad guy?" (repeated for each person who came onscreen)" ETC. Although the 9-year old has read a Junior-Great-Books sort of retelling of the legend, I had misgivings about them actually watching the action. But after bringing everyone up to speed (which gave me time to review the show in my head as I described it to the boys), I realized the following: the events supposedly happened around 1200 A.D....therefore no cursing...no guns...very little "romance" (or exposed skin, for that matter)...LOTS of swordfighting...but only minute amounts of blood or pretend-wounds. This is practically-G-rated swashbuckling fun for the whole family! At least, that's what I told myself as the three of us glued ourselves to the end of Season One.
Like me, the boys are completely hooked. How do I know? No sooner had the credits rolled than Derek asked, "How soon can you get Season 2 here?" Anon, my son, anon!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Stay Tuned for Drama...Intrigue...Playground?

It's been a while since I've taken my boys for a romp at the park. They're at the age now where I don't have to follow their every footstep, hovering over them in case they fall. In fact, I got to sit back and watch the highly entertaining show. The cast consisted of mostly elementary-aged boys, some of whom D knew from school. The plot included a daunting battle of physical prowess (um...make that "a rousing game of Tag") spiced up with a pinch of cheating ("I can't be It, I wasn't even playing"), a dash of taunting ("Nyah, nyah, you can't catch me!") and several Survivor-worthy alliances ("You grab his arm on the way by, and I'll get him"!) Afterwards, while the competitors caught their breath, a small mystery presented itself: "where has the babysitter gone?" (collective sigh of relief: she's only over by the water fountain). And then, in the thrilling climax, we all gathered around one of our heroes as narrowly escaped a brush with serious injury! (This actually happened: Derek got his arm stuck in a jungle gym when he tried to reach through and grab his brother. I seriously was practicing in my head the mortifying phone call I would be making to the Fire Department. Thank goodness he wiggled his skinny little chicken-wing arm free before I had to explain that one.)

So there you have it. The only thing missing (since these are pre-pre-preteen boys) is romance, and you have a complete Kiddie Soap-Opera!

Friday, July 3, 2009

You Know it's Summer When...

...school is out, and none of us can quite remember what day it is anymore without our schedule!
...the daily "routine" shifts from afterschool play/homework/dinner at 6/early bedtime to: play all day/eat when we're hungry/go to bed when it gets dark, watching the fireflies wink on and off.
...my morning "beauty ritual" (such as it is) becomes: ponytail and tinted moisturizer (SPF 150 or so).
...the boys set a new record by voicing their first whiny "I'm bored" of the day at 9:33 a.m. (EST). This is immediately followed by Mom's first emphatic "go find something to do!" at 9:34.
...it seems perfectly reasonable to finish each meal with ice cream. (Okay, maybe not breakfast.)
...we check the progress of the local corn as we drive past fields every day. I grew up hearing "knee-high by the 4th of July" (an old farm saying, maybe?) and this actually seems to be accurate!
..."formal dressing" means I change out of shorts (or a bathing suit) and flip-flops, into capris and sandals....and only when absolutely necessary.
..."we'll be outside!" followed by a slamming door lets me know where my children are.
...and finally, as we approach Major League Baseball's All-Star Break, the Orioles can be counted on to be in last place in their division. Hey, it's an American tradition, like hotdogs and fireworks!