Warning: not for the faint of heart (or...stomach...)

There are many truths about growing older--some good, others...not so pleasant. For instance, the wisdom, experiences, and self-knowledge one presumably gains with passing years can be a wonderful by-product of aging. On the other hand, the body might begin treating you to a chorus of creaks and pops, an array of aches and pains, and a miasma of minor medical...stuff and nonsense. Eh, we can get all philosophical, and view it as a variation on "the price of doing (life's) business", right?

Okay, that sounds all healthy and well-adjusted, and whatnot! Except...for one teeny thing: at a certain birthday, the healthcare community advises you to undergo a routine test, just to get a baseline reading, if you will. Now, this procedure's reputation precedes it, from the many who have successfully completed the process--which is a positive thing, of course. However, it does tend to strike a hefty dose of dread into the hearts of those who must soon succumb...such as, oh, let's say...ME.

You've probably already guessed that I'm tiptoeing around the subject of the (whispering without moving her lips) colonoscopy. (Don't worry, I'm not going to use that word again. From here on out, I'll refer to it by the pseudonym "The Exam". Which will make us all feel better. But especially yours truly...) Yep, it was (unfortunately) time to pull on my big girl pants and schedule that sucker...so I held my breath and just made the call....then promptly put it out of my mind, because what's the point of worrying for months?

Then the paperwork showed up in the mail, reminding me that the date was approaching. Oh...goody!? That was my lukewarm-at-best reaction before I began reading through the instructions. I got as far as the page where it told me what I could and couldn't eat, 3-and-2-days beforehand...and was shocked to a dead stop. I'm not kidding--the list of foods one is allowed to consume consists almost entirely of...white items. As in, it specifically states NO fruits, vegetables, nuts, or whole grains...but things made with white flour are apparently hunky-dory. (Raising my hand) "Um...excuse me, gluten-free vegetarian, here! You've just banned my entire culinary repertoire--what the...HECK...am I supposed to eat?" By reading between the lines, I determined that the answer apparently is: "rice (excluding the brown variety)... pasta (but not the kind made with chickpeas that I usually enjoy)....bread (you guessed it--white only)...cereal (devoid of fiber)...dairy products...nope, that's it, soooo, good luck with that!"

Oh. Good. Heavens. That is literally a guide to exactly the OPPOSITE of how I normally go about nourishing myself on a day-to-day basis. But, I'm nothing if not a rule-follower, so I buckled up and prepared myself for two days of...colorless, low-fiber, nutritionally deficient, bland...junk, basically. For breakfast, I ate a yogurt, and pumpkin spice Cheerios (gluten-free, with only 2 grams of fiber--which technically counts as "cheating" a little bit, but whatevs, 'cuz a girl's gotta eat...something!). For lunch...white rice with butter and goat cheese. Seriously? It occurred to me as I gazed upon my snowy bowl of...mush...that I had been reduced to the diet of an extremely picky...small child. Yummmm....not. Dinner was gluten-free white bread with butter (again--which now probably marks the most of that condiment that I've EVER used in a day) and cheddar cheese. (I was so discombobulated that it didn't even occur to me to make a grilled cheese out of it...until just now. Ha! I'd make a terrible toddler...or college student...)

I pretty much repeated the same menu the next day, except for switching out the rice for pasta--made with rice and corn (but still topped with butter and cheese...Oy....). But wait, it gets even more ridiculous! For the final day before The Exam, you're supposed to eat (drumroll) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You may drink clear liquids throughout the day, but you're not permitted to consume any solid foods whatsoever. This, my friends, is going to--how shall I put this?--hmm, let's go with the succinct option: "suck". Knowing this, I even took a sick day from work, predicting that I'd be 1) extraordinarily grumpy and likely to bite one of my co-workers' heads off if they tried to talk to me, which they totally don't deserve, since they're lovely people, and 2) utterly freakin' useless anyway, after two days of cruddy nutrition, followed by a fasting period.

And you know what? I'm gonna spare you any discussion about what comes next...except to tell you it's the oh-so-delightful...ahem..."cleanse" one must self-administer before showing up for the actual imaging session. (Oh yeah, you're welcome!) I get to do that later tonight, and I've heard horror stories about it, so it's safe to say I'm eversoverymuch NOT looking forward to this particular activity. Afterwards, however, I'll supposedly just be able to go to bed, since I'll be weak with hunger, and also have to get up obnoxiously early to get this sucker over with at 9 a.m.

People who've gone down this path before have also assured me that The Exam itself is relatively quick, completely painless, and (perhaps most importantly) not-remembered, since you're under anaesthesia during the whole shebang. Meaning: hopefully the worst is behind me at this point? In any case, I can hold onto the notion that, when I'm finished, I''ll be free to scarf down Whatever. The Heck. I. Want. None of which will be the pearl-colored...or doused in butter...or blanketed with cheese...I can promise you that! Wish me luck, and keep your fingers crossed, y'all!