What prompted such an outburst, especially from a self-proclaimed animal lover and nature enthusiast? Well, let me illustrate it for you, with the photographic evidence you'll see to the right.
Yes, folks, this is the level of...bestial insubordination (I know that sounds vaguely...non-G-rated, but I promise you it's totally not) we have to deal with around here. Those innocent jack-o'-lanterns were intact on Halloween, but it seems like as soon as our backs were turned, they became fair game for the deer horde that frequently wanders through our yard nibbling on whatever takes their fancy.
When I entered the house, prepared to vent my outrage at this...gourd gouging...Husband had even more intrigue to contribute to the tale. You see, one of the pumpkins had originally been carved to look cat-like, with triangular ears made from the eye cutouts stuck to the top of it. Husband described how he'd stood in our foyer and watched as a doe "delicately removed an ear and proceeded to eat it like it was a cocktail weenie". (He somehow managed to pull off sounding admiring, amused, and annoyed, all at once. And the rest of us shared a juvenile snicker over the stupidly funny phrase "cocktail weenie". )
He continued, "Then she took the lid and set it aside, so she could get to the good stuff in the middle." Sure enough, a little later I caught her red...hooved. (Or could have been a family member--who knows? It's not like they wear nametags...but I swear, they should. Maybe our HOA can do something about that...it would be easier to impose a suitable punishment, yeah? Hmm...I wonder how you "ground" the resident wildlife....)Well, let me tell ya, I wasn't having any of these shenanigans; I glowered menacingly, and stomped towards her in my best threatening manner, causing her to vacate the porch...temporarily. However, within 5 minutes she'd overcome her...mild misgivings...and was back up to her old tricks. So next I picked up the discarded lid and flung it at her to encourage her to either leave...or, I don't know, act like a canine and chase it. (Come to think of it, this will probably confuse the neighbors when they find it in their yard. Eh, I'll explain it all later...)
I'm not kidding you--this ridiculous pumpkin dance went on for the rest of the afternoon, with an endless loop of those idiot beasts tiptoeing up onto the porch, scampering off when startled, and returning as soon as they thought it was safe again. (After several cycles of this, Husband was inspired to come up with another gem of an insult, calling one of them a "brazen hussy"! And to answer your unspoken question: no, I do NOT have any idea where he gets this stuff... )
Eventually of course the sun went down, and at least we couldn't actually watch them decimating our poor decorations anymore. The shameless varmints appeared to take advantage of the cover of darkness, though, as I woke up in the morning to the charming tableau you see pictured to the right. And a short period of searching turned up the other one, which had been absconded with, and now resided several yards away from its original position. (HARRUMPH, I say!)I guess we missed a big old mobile overnight buffet while we slumbered nearby, blissfully unaware. And on that note, can I just say: seriously? We're only a few feet away, you crazy critters! Have you no respect for humankind, your one true danger in this environment? Oh yeah...clearly NOT...never mind. That's it, next year, we're going non-traditional, and adorning our porch with...I don't know...something deer DON'T like to munch! Luckily I have a whole year for botanical research....or to set up a deer resistant perimeter...or to design booby traps...or to come to some kind of acceptance...give up...and let them win? (Yeah, most likely that one...)
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