The Natives are not all that Restless...

Yesterday I had the rare and special opportunity to get up-close-and-personal with...the Dark Side. I found it to be a dangerous place, one where few rules prevailed and the likelihood of experiencing harmful events was disproportionately high. Where was this risky, terrifying place? The cafeteria at Derek's Middle School (gasp!), during the Feeding Frenzy (eek!)--I mean Lunch Period. Yeah, that's right, I subjected myself to something that would leave even seasoned anthropologists quaking in their flak jackets: Adolescents in their Natural Habitat. And why, oh WHY would I undertake such an endeavor? Well, it's like this: in Elementary Schools, Parent Volunteers are welcomed with open arms (a big, glittery hug, if you will). We're ushered into the actual classrooms, where we are permitted to work directly with students on exciting tasks like "spelling commonly-used words" or "adding double-digit numbers, with regrouping"! We get to form a relationship with the teachers, and observe our children as they interact with peers and adults in their academic environment. It's all very warm and fuzzy. Then the kids get older, and go off to Middle School, and that sharing and caring stuff is all over, my friends. Suddenly you aren't allowed to just sign up and spend time in the classroom with your children (and they'd be absolutely horrified if you did that, anyway). So here's the dilemma--what's a Mom to do, when she still wants to spy on her son...I mean "donate her time to help out the school, while perhaps also studying student behavior in the scholastic setting"?

A fellow Soccer Mom, who had sent her older child off to Middle School last year, clued me in to the surprisingly simple solution. She recommended volunteering at the School Store...which is located right in the cafeteria...and operates during the three lunchtimes. Brilliant! From the relatively inconspicuous position at the edge of  the room, behind a counter, I could watch all of the dynamics of pre-teen bonding at its most basic--call it the Food and Fellowship Factor, if you will. So I got myself on the roster, and prepared to infiltrate the Derek's World. But first, in the spirit of fair play, I felt I should warn him that I would be invading--um, visiting--his happy lunchtime oasis. "Good news...I'll see you at school tomorrow!" I announced brightly one evening. He accepted this with a facial expression that read "slightly startled, but not overly-concerned". However, I couldn't help adding, "I'll be sure to greet you when you come in"--and I proceeded to demonstrate in a piercing, high-pitched voice, "Hiiiiiiii, Sweeeetieeeee!" Fortunately, he knows perfectly well that I would never even dream of doing this to him, so he calmly shot back, "Well, I can sit in the far corner of the cafeteria, then!" "Oh really? Then I'll just have to jump up and down, and wave my arms, and call out even louder--"Over heeeere, Hoooneyyyy!"--so you're sure to see me. (Mwah hah hah! I still don't scare him, but it was lots of fun to pretend to be Evil Mommy for a second...)

When my very first School Store Day arrived, I eagerly took up my post and waited for the impending action. After a few minutes, the 6th-graders streamed in noisily, laughing and jostling in a high-spirited way. And lookie here, it turns out that Derek and his friends actually sit only a few feet away from my window-seat. Get ready for the show! When Derek spotted me, I gave what I considered a totally discreet little finger-wave and smile...which he ignored...then he pointedly sat on the bench at his table with his back to me. Humph! I'd been thoroughly rejected by my darling son! (Some of his friends helpfully pointed out, just in case he'd managed to miss it, that his mother was here. I saw the back of his neck turn red, but that was about all the acknowledgement I got!) During the next half-hour, I handled exactly ONE transaction (a kid bought a 75-cent mechanical pencil) and kept a curious eye on the 11-year olds. Derek's little posse included his best friend and a couple of soccer teammates, all of whom ate and chatted in an appropriately civilized manner. In fact, the entire class was, overall, a surprising well-behaved group. (I don't know what I was expecting--a food fight, a la Animal House maybe?) Good for them, a bit boring for me. Finally, toward the tail end of the session, when I'd all but given up hope, Derek and a friend approached the School Store counter and stopped to talk to me. (I suppose he'd exhausted all other available means of entertaining himself.) So I guess my presence wasn't too mortifying, after all. Then the bell rang, and he filed out with his classmates to continue his day.

(Then the real fun was over for me, and I spent the next hour-and-a-half reading...and playing Plants vs. Zombies on my iPod...while the 7th and 8th graders ignored me completely.) There you have it: I successfully spent a couple of hours on the fringes of Adolescent Culture...I survived...and my son is still speaking to me. A rousing triumph for my first foray into Middle School, I'd say! Next month, maybe I'll even be brave enough to try the local cuisine!