I'm sure you all did your best to send out "safe and easy voyage" vibes...but I'm here to tell you that despite your much-appreciated efforts, it sooooo didn't work. Here's the tale:
Finally, departure day dawned. In some ways it was hard
to believe we’d already been here for 7 days…in others, it felt like a loooong
time since our plane touched down last Saturday. We took one last bouncy bus
ride to the aeropuerto…then commenced standing in formidable lines for the next several
hot (no AC), tedious (slow service) hours. You see, first you must pay a tax…to
leave the country. ($29 per person, if you’re curious…plus the added fee that
they so helpfully inform you will be charged by your credit card company, since
they process it as a cash advance…grrrrr….) Then you take your receipt and move
to the airline’s check-in counter, where you stand around waiting for the 2
employees on duty to process the entire plane full of passengers…and their mounds
of luggage.
Fortunately (sarcasm font) this has taken such an exorbitant amount of time that everyone has already passed through the Security checkpoint and you breeze right up to the conveyor belt. Aaaaand, I set off the metal detector. Wait, what? (She looks down at her outfit in utter confusion, wondering how on earth her tee-shirt, athletic pants, and sneakers could cause such a ruckus.) Apparently this tiny little facility--with 6 gates and no climate control capabilities—has some truly kick-ass-sensitive scanning. Yeah, it was my necklace…and BRA HOOKS…that got me stopped.
Fortunately (sarcasm font) this has taken such an exorbitant amount of time that everyone has already passed through the Security checkpoint and you breeze right up to the conveyor belt. Aaaaand, I set off the metal detector. Wait, what? (She looks down at her outfit in utter confusion, wondering how on earth her tee-shirt, athletic pants, and sneakers could cause such a ruckus.) Apparently this tiny little facility--with 6 gates and no climate control capabilities—has some truly kick-ass-sensitive scanning. Yeah, it was my necklace…and BRA HOOKS…that got me stopped.
Then (just to, you know, add to the festivities) Derek’s bag--the
one that incidentally contained almost NOTHING for the return flight--was taken
aside to be searched. The culprit here? A squeeze tube of aloe from CVS…which
of course had already made it through RDU and Charlotte without concern…and the
insect repellent we’d bought in a local gift shop to fend off monster rainforest
mosquitoes. Each was, admittedly, over 3 ounces—and therefore confiscated. Whaaaat…everrrrrr!
Finally, we boarded the plane in plenty of time…to idle on the tarmac for a
solid 30-minutes past our scheduled takeoff. Sigh. Don’t get me wrong: we had
an absolutely awesome time on our Costa Rican adventure…now please get us back
to the States, stat!**
**Oh, there’s an addendum, my friends. Our dee-lightful
flight included a bit of gut-wrenching turbulence…not one, but TWO howling babies…and
then the crew cheerfully bragged that we’d landed on time…and we proceeded to
SIT on the tarmac for an HOUR before they let us get off the damn plane.
Meanwhile, here are some of the fabulous announcements they felt the need to
share with us:
“Uh, we’re experiencing some Saturday evening congestion
here in Charlotte. There’s a backup of planes waiting to get to the gate. Thank
you for your patience.”
(15 minutes later)“Well, folks, something happened here at the airport earlier
that shut it down for an hour, so that’s the reason for the delay. We
appreciate your continued patience.”
(another 10 minutes later)“Okay, there’s just one plane ahead of us, so we should be
in there in 5 minutes or so. We’re so happy you’re not yet throwing things at
us.” (I may have made that last part up…’cuz I was definitely considering
pitching--at the very least--a tantrum at this point.)
(20 minutes later…increasingly sheepishly) “Um….the plane in
front of us is a wide-body, so that’s why it’s taking so long to back out of
the way. We’d be soooo grateful if you refrain from rioting for just a while
longer.” (I was fairly livid by this time, so I think they knew to steer WELL clear of Row 31...)
(Who the heck knows how much later) "The plane that's supposed to be gone by now has some sort of mechanical problem...so we're moving to a different gate." Are. You. Freakin'. Kidding. Me?
And in the last straw of ridiculousness, they actually came on to inform us, "Um...we're about 25 feet away from the gate, now." Thank you for that...I've officially been reduced to speechlessness. But perhaps the steam emanating from my ears says it all. Did I forget to mention that it was about 10:30 p.m. by now, and we'd been traveling for 12 hours or so? Oy...
Just when we thought we were free and clear, there was one more insult yet to come. As we AT LONG LAST pulled up to the stupid gate and prepared to bolt from the aircraft, they pretty much advised us that if we had a connecting flight....we might want to make a run for it. (Not in those exact words, because I don't think they're allowed to advocate sprinting through a public space, but that was definitely the gist...) Then when we passed the flight attendants wishing us goodbye, one of them cheerfully said, "Keep in touch...means so much!" Oh. My. GOSH. I can tell you that I have rarely wanted to kick someone in the shins as much as I did right at that moment.
Next. we hustled through Customs (dutifully declaring our approximately $50 worth of souvenirs), raced toward Security, and--no joke--they shut the metal gate behind us. Yep, Team WestEnders was the very last group of passengers to be shuttled through the Charlotte airport for the evening. Yaaaay, us? We proceeded speedily to our gate (which had been changed several times since we began checking an hour before) to be brought up short by the jam-packed waiting area, teeming with travelers from several flights that had been delayed by whatever shenanigans had occurred earlier in the day. So to punctuate the seemingly endless day, we got off the ground an hour late on our final leg as well. All of which brought us home at about 1:30 a.m. Yaaawwwwnnnnn! We made it!
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