Away with May (yay?)

So, Memorial Day has arrived, and…wait, what? Well %#$@, there’s another month gone in Coronayear. Anyway, at least the world didn’t actually end when NC lifted restrictions on 5/8, so there’s that. Then after 2 weeks of apparently meeting enough criteria to consider it moderately successful, this past Friday we moved to Phase 2, with businesses such as restaurants, salons, non-essential retail, and…tattoo parlors being allowed to operate at 50% capacity. (And not a moment too soon, as you all know I’ve been desperately waiting for the moment I could rush out and get some ink! Stop laughing—it could happen! Yeah, you’re right: maybe in another lifetime…)

Aaand within 24-hours the state health department reported the highest number of single-day positive tests since this whole thing began, so we’ll have to see how this goes. (I realize that part of this is due to more people being screened, which represents a step in the right direction, blah blah blah…I’m still not rushing out to…gallivant in public…just yet…) 

Meanwhile, here at Casa WestEnders, the crew has been carrying on, fortunately safe and well. In probably the biggest news of the week, Riley finished the last of his (four!) AP exams, and with that, effectively wrapped up his academic year. Because the remote learning situation forced the assessments to take place online at home, Riley thoughtfully posted signs on his bedroom door to alert the rest of us that he was busy with an important task and shouldn’t be disturbed. Except, you know, for the fact that Derek and I stood in the hallway checking them out and giggling each day--but the way I look at it, he brought that upon himself by being too clever for his own good.

Now all that remains is the one regular class in his schedule, and his teacher is so on top of things that she’s posted the content for the rest of the quarter. Basically, he can tackle it whenever he wants, at which point he’ll be totally done. When that happens, it’ll be “bye bye Junior year…hello, college application season?” Ay yi yi…at least we have a Summer hiatus before all those…shenanigans! 

And speaking of intellectual pursuits of a sort, while we’ve always been a family of bibliophiles, (yeah, I just like that word. So what?) with extra time on our hands during the Stay at Home period, we’ve turned to books even more, both for entertainment and to help pass the time. The only glitch in this scenario is that, of course, the libraries aren’t open for browsing or borrowing materials in person. Lucky for me, I’ve been able to snag a couple of titles on my Kindle, both through the ebook catalog and Amazon lending policy, but everyone else has kind of been scrounging for stuff to get them through, until we can happily peruse the aisles in one of our favorite local buildings once more.

As a result, in the interim I’ve probably purchased more actual novels in 2 months than I have in the past, oh, at least 5 years or so. Honestly, it’s become almost a problem behavior—I pass by the literature section in Target, spot something recommended by a favorite author, and impulsively toss it in my shopping bag. Or, a blogger I follow on social media helpfully reminds her audience that the prequel to The Hunger Games is coming out…and mentions that if you order it from [this website], some proceeds will go to support the independent bookstore she’s opening soon in her hometown. Click, done! Then there’s a trio of writers whose work I’ve appreciated in the past, who each provided a novella for a collection, and who one day announced on Twitter that signed copies were on sale at this [small publishing company] for a limited time. Ahem…add to cart, enter payment information: GIMME! But…it’s okay, I can stop at any time, I promise! (I’ll let you know if I need an intervention…)

Oh, and the point of all this--before I went off on a meandering tangent--is that one day Derek was lamenting not having anything to read, so I began passionately trying to sell him on one of my absolute most-beloved series from recent years. I described how the author weaves an intricate storyline, creates imaginative settings, and fills her pages with fascinating characters you can’t help but care about—whether you love or hate them. I concluded my enthusiastic spiel with what I thought would be an utterly irresistible hook: “And besides, it features on of my favorite warlocks of all time!” Which stopped the conversation dead as he threw up a “whoa” hand and commented, “I’m gonna stop you right there…that has to be one of the nerdiest things you’ve EVER said.” (Eh, I own that. Incidentally, he’s in the middle of Book 1, and reports that he’s enjoying it so far, so I feel like I rest my case. Also, I won…) 

In further evidence of living up to the aforementioned label, I may as well go ahead and confess that for Mother’s Day, I asked for one thing: a crossword puzzle book. I was very transparent with the Male Trio, to avoid confusion or mis-ordering: NY Times is too hard; USA Today is too easy; Washington Post Sunday is juuussst about right. (I also answer to “Goldilocks” on occasion…) And whattya know, they nailed it. One down, 149 to go…and I didn’t even have to peek at the answer key. So to sum up: amusing myself while keeping my brain from atrophying during the pandemic means COVID 0, Johna 1. (Ha! Take that, stupid virus…)

Next, we move along to the Goofball Brothers, who luckily have been a pretty reliable source of laughter while we’re all stuck in the house together. For example, one morning last week Derek blearily emerged from his bedroom and bumped into his sibling, who immediately began to make fun of him for his late rising, his disheveled appearance, his general lack of purpose in life, whatever. Derek of course grinned and took all of this good-naturedly, but after he’d woken up enough to fight back, he jokingly demanded that Riley go away…and make him breakfast.

Specifically, he requested waffles (the frozen kind, ‘cuz let’s not get all crazy here)…with fresh berries. Well…you send your younger brother, who’s just left off mercilessly mocking you, by the way—downstairs to the kitchen to prepare you a meal, with no oversight whatsoever…what could possibly go wrong?

Now, Derek doesn’t always--how can I put this delicately--“think things through”, until after he’s said (or done) them. So as Riley gave him a sly smile and trooped off to (maybe?) comply with his wishes, Derek’s mental process caught up with him, causing him to suddenly yelp and call, “Um…please toast them?” Yes, he was just starting to recognize the many, many ways this could turn into an unmitigated disaster. Yet when he joined us at the table a few minutes later and cautiously inspected his plate, he discovered…a lovely serving of multigrain waffles, topped with syrup and artistically covered with sliced strawberries. It was only after he’d taken a bite that Riley admitted his one unauthorized modification: apparently he’d added a drizzle of my honey underneath the fruit (which doesn’t sound bad to me, but prompted Derek to throw a faux tantrum--probably the intended goal, frankly…).

And finally, even though hair styling places are now permitted to welcome clients back, I personally am in no hurry to book an appointment. That being said…my bangs were sooo out of control that something needed to be done. Thus I brushed off my trusty scissors, tried to remember what my stylist showed me months ago when I told her I sometimes cut my own fringe, held my breath…and snipped. 

And you know what? For an emergency, temporary job, it’ll do. It buys me about a month before they start driving me nuts again, so by then, I believe things will have settled down enough for me to feel comfortable going to see a professional. The shaggy boys, on the other hand, are going to brave Great Clips sometime this week before they have to get updated passport photos taken…which will immortalize this pandemic look for the next ten years! So yeah, sending them to those who are trained and know what they’re doing, for sure!

So that wraps another episode of the Evolving Quarantine Gazette, my friends. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that the coming weeks bring an increase in positive news, as well as continued health and safety to you all. Until then, I plan to carry on with the reading…crosswording…mediating of adolescent nonsense…and perhaps grooming (whenever necessary). Peace out!