Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Reality Show...or Real Life?

It seems that there's a reality show about absolutely EVERYTHING these days...whiny Rock-Star-Wannabes, Spoiled Starlets, Aging Child Stars Gone Bad. Maybe the viewing public is tired of watching episode after episode of sordid and shocking behavior. Perhaps the time has come for some wholesome entertainment about a Normal Family...like mine! Let's imagine how my life would play out on screen...

"the X files" (get it--X chromosome?--female? ha!): One woman stranded in a house full of testosterone, where (gasp) even the cat is male. She bravely navigates a sea of smelly socks, a plethora of poo jokes, and a mountain of messiness every day. (On second thought, nobody with a husband and kids would watch that, it's just TOO real.)

"Top Chef": The contestant (me) prepares meals she thinks are interesting, nutritious, and delicious. She chops, she mixes, she sautes, (she wipes her brow artistically) she presents a beautiful balanced dinner to the panel of judges, who proceed to offer insightful critiques such as "It's...um...great! Could you pass the hot sauce?" (husband); "I love it, can I have seconds?" (D) and "Eww, is that TOFU? I'll have some Cheerios!" (R)

"Big Brother, Little Brother": Siblings start the morning in perfect harmony, eating breakfast side by side, mapping out their exciting day. They skateboard together happily. They peacefully practice whiffleball. Things skid rapidly downhill from there, however, as by about 10 a.m., the fun and games have degenerated into: "I'm not talking to you for the REST of the day!" (slam) "You're being mean, I QUIT!" (stomp stomp) Each one votes that the other one get kicked out of the house. Mother overrules them...and within a half-hour they have utterly forgotten their argument and started on a new activity.

"Survivor, Maryland": The cast faces challenges that test their physical strength, mental toughness, and perseverance. They will be forced to...prepare their own toaster waffles! (points subtracted for burnt edges)...sort and fold their own laundry! (full scores for actually getting it all the way in the drawer)...cooperate with neighbors to build a backyard hideout using available cardboard boxes, twigs, and tarp! (extra credit for sneaking supplies out of garage without parents' knowledge). Tribal Council (aka Mom and Dad) calls the Losers in for dinner.

"Boy vs. Wild": The intrepid explorers must face the ultimate battleground: The Great Backyard. Along the way they must learn to identify and avoid poison ivy! They will be attacked by swarms of pesky gnats! (no Bug Spray allowed!) They will observe the natural wildlife of the region! (squirrel, groundhog, hawk, deer, fox, rabbit, cardinal, chipmunk, small dogs on leashes) They will under no circumstances eat anything they find on the ground, even if it looks like a perfectly harmless wild strawberry! (This program is sponsored by Moms Everywhere)

Tune in next time for more Adventures from a Regular Life!

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