Brotherly Love (sort of)

Although my sons took their sweet time becoming little talking toddlers, (ironic, as their mother is a Speech-Language Pathologist by training, yes?) there are moments when I vehemently wish that they'd just, temporarily, forget how to speak. Particularly to each other. Why, you ask? Let me tell you--as brothers, they are very close. And of course this can be touching and sweet and an all-around joy to behold...when they get along. But they also have that special Sibling Talent for pushing each other's buttons, picking at each other's pet peeves, and poking each other's weak spots. Then, inevitably, comes the thing that is currently making me nuts, the Big B: BICKERING. It seems to me that the boys have been diligently working on raising their petty spats to the level of an art form...an incredibly annoying, obnoxious, get-on-your-very-last-nerve kind of art form, but at least they have goals, right?

The worst thing about it is the absurd triviality of what they choose to debate. Here's a recent example:
Derek: "You said you like Barcelona, not Real Madrid" (European soccer teams, for those who care)
Riley: (mildly irritated) "I never said that!"
Derek: (grinning, sensing an opportunity to incite a battle) "Yes, you did!"
Riley (loudly and indignantly, as though he's never been so insulted in his whole life) "No, I NEVER said that!"

Hello? Can you say "unwinnable argument?" And I fully believe this could very well go on for days if left unchecked, but after approximately 25 seconds I reach the end of my tolerance for this ridiculousness. So I calmly, politely, respectfully interrupt by stating in a quiet but firm voice, "That's enough, boys." Hahahahahaha! What actually happens is that I erupt in unsurpressed Mom Fury and yell at the top of my lungs: KNOCK...IT...OFF! Oh, and I separate them for good measure. But even the verbal bouts are better than the physical altercations I sometimes have to referee. "He punched me!" "He threw a ball at me!" And my absolute favorite: "He touched my stuff, so that's why I tackled him!" Oy. If I had a quarter for every time I've uttered the well-worn rule, "Keep your hands to yourself", I could retire right now...in Spain. (Sadly, my role as Parent Peacemaker has gone woefully uncompensated all these years...)

However, I sometimes catch hopeful glimmers that my broken-record chanting might finally pay off. Yesterday Riley got angry with Derek and ordered him out of his room. Evidently Derek wasn't leaving quickly enough for Riley's liking, so Riley helped him along with a shove to the back. In accordance with our "Zero Tolerance Policy" for such physical aggression, I banned Riley from playing DS for the rest of the day. He sniffled a little, and got a bit teary, but overall took the punishment surprisingly manfully. The Payoff, though, occured the next day: I heard Riley demand in a placid, reasonable voice, "Derek, stop kicking me." I instantly prepared to enter Parental Emergency Response Mode (P.E.R.M.? Hee hee!), and charge up the stairs to defuse the confrontation before it escalated. But I stopped in my tracks when I heard Riley add, "Derek, use your words, not your actions!" YEEEESSSSS! They might make it to adulthood without killing each other after all! Now can I start looking for retirement homes in Espana?