My Dad used to demonstrate—among his numerous paternal
talents--prodigious skill in the art
of the Rhetorical Question. You know
what I’m talking about: "Do you think money
grows on trees?" (delivered with
a thunderous expression of disapproval, usually when one of us kids requested
extra spending cash...most likely to buy something silly and/or wasteful.) Or
the most famous one of all: “How many
times have I told you to A. pick up
your room; B. turn off the lights; C. stop bothering your sibling; D. fill-in-the-blank Frequent Offense?” Now,
most kids have a natural tendency to want to please their parents (especially
when they fear impending disciplinary
action), so we would generally do the obedient thing and try to answer the question as honestly as
possible. “Um, no? Money comes from…your wallet?” And “I think you’ve told me…about
25 times.” Then we would get the heavy sigh, the slow shake of the head, and
the forceful exclamation, “It’s. A. Rhetorical. Question!” (Come to think of
it, I don’t remember him ever explaining
exactly what that meant, which may have been at the heart of the
misunderstanding…) Now that we’re all grown up, my sister, brother and I
continue to reply to his queries-that-need-no-response, because it’s become an
amusing joke in Family History, causing Dad to chuckle, rather than bellow…plus he can’t ground us anymore…
Flash forward to yesterday, when I had secretly done something
that I knew would make Derek very happy. Quite pleased with myself, and wanting
to share the good news right away, I found him in his room and asked, “How much
do you love me?” Surely, everyone
recognizes this, the most standard of
rhetorical questions, right? I mean, the only
possible correct answer is an
immediate, heartfelt “TONS!” (Or
something similar in emotion and emphasis.) Riley, who at almost-9 is still
mostly Mr. Literal, enthusiastically yelled, “A LOT!” (Nicely done, honey.)
Since that went well, I continued with the line of conversation, “And how much
do I love you?” Should’ve been a no-brainer, yeah? C’mon, this is your mother talking! But Derek looked up from
his video game with a pensive, serious expression--as though he was
ever-so-carefully weighing his words--and said, “Well…it depends. Is it a typical
day? Or a ‘running a lot of errands’
day?” Whaaaat? Okay, I’ll play along: “Typical day.” Derek stated, “Then I
guess, yeah, you love us some.”
(Wow….that’s very…understated…thank you, unemotional preteen boy…) And because
I just had to know: “What about the other days?” He was ready for that,
too—“If we’re trying to get stuff done, you’re annoyed with us, so not as much
love.”
Ay-yi-yi. I sooooo understand my Dad’s reaction now. (As I
sighed, shook my head, and slapped my forehead—that last one’s my own personal
touch…of parental disbelief at the goofiness of my children.) Finally I was able to get to the point of the whole ridiculous
interaction: “I ordered your PS3, and did 2-day
Shipping for you!” Now he got it,
“Ohhhhhhh!!!!! Thanks, Mom!” (And at last,
the big hug of appreciation I was
waiting for.) So how many times do you think I’ll have to explain
“rhetorical questions” to the boys?” Do.
Not. Answer. That!
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