Family Matters

My extended family suffered a tragedy this past week, a sudden and completely unexpected death that left everyone stunned with shock and grief. The heartache in this case is compounded even further, if possible, by the fact that my mother passed away only 5 months ago. We were already contemplating how to approach this first Thanksgiving dinner--over which Mom presided each year with an abundance of love...and food--without her guidance and spirit. And as if we needed just one more painful thing to ponder, we always rolled my mom's birthday into the feasting and frolicking as well, as it falls on November 24th. From now on there will be two fewer chairs filled at the table, although I am certain the presence of our loved ones who are no longer with us will be strongly felt whenever the rest of us all gather together. So it seems like a strange time to be feeling thankful, but in the midst of our loss I found myself touched by the way my family supported one another. We're generally a stoic, buried-feelings kind of clan (I've always attributed it to our Irish/German heritage, "stiff upper lip" and all that), so I was proud and grateful at how everyone pulled together and leaned on each other. Maybe difficult experiences teach you things about the people closest to you that you never had occasion to see before. Here are some lessons learned, and even small moments of joy, from this week:

Sometimes the most comforting hugs come from the smallest arms (even if they only reach as high as your waist).
Riley, my in-touch-with-his-emotions guy, isn't afraid--or ashamed--to cry when he feels the need.
Apparently, consuming several boxes of Nerds can temporarily take your mind off your sorrows.
If you stand in the middle of the floor and twirl around in a sparkly cotton-candy-colored dress, you can magically lift the hearts of an entire roomful of adults.
Inexplicably, male cousins can manage to turn even a wake into an impromptu wrestling match.
Never underestimate the power of an inside-out superhero t-shirt...it may not fully protect you from sadness...but it might just lift your heart a little bit.
The "right words" to remember someone, mourn their passing, and celebrate their life can encompass soothing, thoughtfully-chosen scripture delivered by an empathetic pastor, warm testimonials to a person's compassionate and loving nature...and also, hilarious tributes to their fun-loving, irreverent personality, the kind that only close family members can get away with telling.

Obviously the consequences of losing someone continue, long after the formal ceremonies have concluded. But during this unspeakably sad time, when "real life" got temporarily put on hold so that the people left behind could focus on saying their goodbyes, I found a measure of peace by recognizing some very basic universal wisdom. For example: hug tightly and often. Give yourself permission to surrender to tears, without worrying about looking weak (with all due respect to Frankie Valle, big girls--and boys--do cry). For that matter, if physical expression helps you deal with your emotions, then by all means go ahead and stage your own little WWE therapy session. And once in a while, even if people are watching, unleash a spontaneously giddy pirouette or two...glittery pink outfit entirely optional (but what the heck, right? Me, I might even add a tiara...) Most of all, life is fragile and precious, so try to spend every day appreciating the family and friends around you. We miss those who have gone, but we hold them in our hearts, and cherish the special memories they left us. And we promise to smile when we think of them...and to keep on dancing.