Sunday, November 4, 2012

From the minds of 007 and 004...

Because sometimes, you just need a laugh, I hereby present selected excerpts from the Goofball Brothers' very specific, well-thought-out...extremely ridiculous...Plans for World Domination. (I am able to do this because I sneaked the documents from their rooms--shh! That gives me an idea: I think in order to truly fit in with this nefarious organization I need a super-secret undercover spy name! Like Natasha...or maybe Ivana...and don't ask me why my alter ego seems to be Eastern European, if I told you, I'd have to...well, you know...)

So without further ado, here are some highlights of Riley's sequence, in his exact words:
1) Study (why? to get good grades)
2) Get glasses and braces (why? people will think you're a nerd)
3) Go to Yale (why? nerds go to Yale)
4) Get in jail (why? to see police program bombs)
5) Make flash drive (why? to reprogram all of Russia's bombs)
6) Activate flash drive (why? blow up Russia)
7) Same with France
8) Make parrots use guns (why? no more Mexico and South America)
9) Go to England, get knights (why? take over Europe)
10) Get Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen (why? to sing)
11) Have Bieber and Jepsen sing so loud Canada sinks to their knees (why? now you can toss it in the Arctic)
12) Get hockey players (why? take over Asia)
Why? You just conquered the world!

Um...I fear my younger son may not be using his considerable powers of imagination and creativity for the good of mankind...but at least he hasn't initiated his evil agenda yet. (At least, not that I know of...excuse me a moment while I go check his room for suspicious materials...) But if I ever wonder where on earth he gets these notions, I need look no further that right next to him, where you'll find his big brother, his role model, his partner in twisted, fictional crime. This is the brainchild of Derek, titled (wait for it...) Care Bears and Unicorns:

1) Get good grades (reason: every nerd has good grades)
2) Get accepted to some Ivy League school like Harvard or Princeton (reason: nerds go to these schools. requirements: red brick walls, rowing powerhouse)
3) Graduate with a degree (reason: to wear one of those funny hats)
4) Get hired by a car company (reason: cars are cool)
5) Build some revolutionary car engine (reason: to get famous)
6) Get hired by NASA (reason: NASA is such a nerd company)
7) Design tasty space food (reason: space food sucks)
8) Become famous, endorse Old Spice (reason: even nerds need to smell good)
9) Marry some hot chick (reason: she's hot)
10) Take over a rocket, go into space (reason: you'll see...)
11) In an epic battle between space nerds and aliens, take over Mars (reason: so the aliens can be slaves)
12) Make a trip to Uranus, and find out it's inhabited entirely by females (reason: as a small vacation)
13) Come back to Earth, use aliens to take over NASA
14) Have aliens build a time machine
15) Go back in time, get Dr. Frankenstein (reason: he can make things come alive)
16) Get Dr. Frankenstein to make teddy bears come alive (reason: you'll see...)
17) Make the teddy bears pink and you have CARE BEARS!
18) Call in the people from the National Zoo (reason: they're a walking, talking, animal dictionary)
19) Breed narwhals and horses (reason: to make unicorns)
20) Train your deadly army of Care Bears and unicorns
21) Take over the U.S., China, and Russia (reason: to help your army)
22) Get some nerds (and Dr. Frankenstein) to build some crazy lab-generated creatures
23) Review your army: Care Bears; unicorns; ninjas from China; nuclear weapons from Russia; zombie vampire Care Bears; U.S. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines; uniraptigerphants (unicorn raptor tiger elephants)

Oh. good. grief...besides the disturbing references to the opposite sex (hormones kicking in much?), we have an amazingly inventive-yet-alarming amount of cartoonish combat. And to think the only video games they're allowed to play are rated E-10! I don't imagine Halo contains "graphic scenes of...stuffed animal violence". I shudder to think how something like Call of Duty would affect their already-warped little minds...maybe we'd better just stick to sports and Mario characters and the like...that is, until they take over the world, of course!

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