Week...oh, whatever...is anyone even keeping track of time anymore?

Well, here we are again...pretty much maintaining the holding pattern we've been in since, oh, what feels like the dawn of time--or, you know, "early March". While I'm ecstatic to report that Team WestEnders made it though that aforementioned hellmonth in good health, like everyone else at this point I'm weary of the (unfortunately necessary) Shelter in Place restrictions hovering over all our heads like an unwelcome raincloud waiting to shower us with...malignant droplets of doom...or whatever.

But at least in challenging times like these, it's comforting to establish and stick to a routine of sorts, right? I mean, that's what the "experts" who have our "best interests at heart" are all yammering about in an effort to "keep our spirits up" and "bolster our mental health". Okay, then, let's give this a whirl...looking back on my past week as a newish member of the WFH Club (which has grown exponentially since this all started--waves enthusiastically to other recent inductees), what kinds of patterns emerge?


Sometime between 6:45 and 7:30 a.m.: (reluctantly opens one eye, peers fuzzily at clock) "Hmm, what day is it? (thinks hard, may or may not come up with correct answer) "Fine, let's narrow it down: is it a 'coordinate outfit, brush hair, slap on enough makeup to transform from zombie to live human'...situation?" (if no: get up, but remain in pjs; if yes: put in enough effort to not frighten colleagues on potential Skype calls)

5 minutes after rising: All. The. Coffee. (and scroll through emails, social media, virus updates, signs of the apocalypse, blah blah blah...)

This stage lasts right up until the next one, which is: "Damn it, how is it 9:00 already? I'm supposed to be logging in now." (throws on some athleisure wear, concealer, and blush. remembers at the last second to ponytail the messy tresses)

9:05-ish: (connects work computer, refreshes Outlook, despairs at the inbox full of COVID-related material...decides it's a fabulous opportunity for more java)

9:10: (shuffles into kitchen, stops short at the unexpected crowd, brandishes empty mug whilst glaring daggers at these blasted interlopers...ahem..."beloved family") "Why is everyone here right now? Where did you all even come from? Don't you have anywhere else in the house you could be? Most importantly, get out of my way, and make a path to the Keurig!" (note to self: apologize later for morning tantrum. blame under-caffeination...or corona...or any other excuse that occurs to me...)

9:30: "Hey, breakfast time!"

9:45--noon: (performs job tasks in home office, where laptop happens to be located in front of a window...which leads to alternating bouts of productivity...and distraction by the ceaseless wonders of the Great Outdoors) "Ooh, one of the hawks just flew by! And what was that? Eh, just a squirrel. Wow, the leaves are really starting to come in now. Hey, that bush didn't have flowers yesterday! There goes a beautiful butterfly! Lots of pollen on the porch; maybe I should take a break and go sweep..."

12:00: "Wouldja look at that, it's time for another meal, yay! Wait a minute...what do you MEAN we're out of produce AGAIN? Didn't I just go to the supermarket yesterday? And the day before that--whatever the hell day that was?" (I swear, I live with a buncha savage...bunnies!  Or something like that...clearly I'm losing it...)

12:15--2: (navigates various interruptions by coworkers) "Hey, Mom, are you going to the grocery store later? Can you add something to the list?" (Riley) "What are you DOING in here?" (Derek, poking his head in while I'm practicing Spanish on the Duolingo website during some downtime) "Here, look at this joke so-and-so just texted me! Isn't that hilarious?" (Husband)

2:00: (does a final message cleanup, jots down a quick To Do List for tomorrow--wait, is tomorrow another weekday? Oh for the love of...(checks calendar to confirm). Yes, right: things to tackle on what I now understand to be WEDNESDAY...aaannnd, shuts it down for the day.)

2:15: "Whew, what's next?" (glances at Garmin) "I only have...1,500 steps so far? How is that even possible?" (oh, yeah: not doing laps in the Family Medicine building to get to the restroom, break room, other people's cubicles, etc.)

2:30: "Guess I'll be taking a quick stroll around the block to boost that number to a more reasonable level." (ventures out into neighborhood, enjoys fresh air, activity, and seeing other folks doing the same thing...from a safe distance of at least 6 feet--quarantine strong, baby!)

3:00: "Yep, I've totally earned a nap." (whether or not this is strictly true, I go ahead and lie down for an hour anyway, because...I say I'm allowed, so there.)

4:00: "That was exactly what I needed. Maybe take a peek at the old internet and see what's new? NOPE, that's quite enough of the hellfire and brimstone calamity and catastrophe thankyouverymuch." (opts to peruse funny memes, gaze at spectacular nature photos, and watch video clips of adorable baby animals, small children's antics, amusing comedians, and talented singers instead. feels blood pressure and heart rate decreasing, muscles unclenching, and breathing deepening while doing so. aaahhhhh.....)

4:30: (gathers courage and centers oneself for...a brief expedition to whatever emporium o'food I haven't been to in the last couple of days, to see what salad and fruit items I can scare up before the next dining hour. It always feels like a game of roulette these days (but definitely not in the entertaining way) to see what they're going to have, and what will have been cleared from the shelves by panicked hordes of stockpiling shoppers. Whoo hoo! Said no one...

5:00: (some kind of workout, for the obvious physical benefits, of course, but also to release some heightened anxiety, nervous energy, and pent-up restlessness from...so much extra time spent in my house...surrounded by my cherished clan, to be honest. Sure, I love them dearly, don't get me wrong--it's just a LOT for all of us, right now!)

6, or 7, or...whenever: dinner, hopefully using some of the fresh vegetables I was able to obtain from my quest. (Or you know what? I'm an adult, I can have dessert first if I dang well please. Cookies or carrots? Depends on the day, frankly...)

Post meal--around 10: mindless TV...read...until boredom sets in..."I should do something creative!" (wracks brain to figure out what that might be...and whether I in fact have the motivation and/or brainpower to attempt a craft or puzzle)...50/50 chance I give up and return to one of the previous, less demanding options.

10--11: "Shoot, I'm still short of my daily goal--I need more steps!" (because even a global pandemic is no excuse for laziness. KIDDING! I don't really believe this...I'm just SUPER stubborn and refuse to cut myself any slack, so there's that...)

11:30: "Oh, thank heavens, it's bedtime." (brain: HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, honey, we call these the very special Spiral Hours, where ALL of the unhelpful worries you've managed to squish down into a harmless, manageable ball during your conscious time can take advantage of your vulnerable state, grow huge spikes, and attack your weakened drowsy defenses! Soooo, let's have some F-U-N with that, shall we?)

Some unknown time: (falls into slumber at last)

And then...suck it up, buttercup, 'cuz we're gonna do it all again! Wheeeee!

Now, please keep in mind that all of the events portrayed here--while taken from my current reality--are as always subject to my own particular brand of exaggeration and embellishment. So yeah, the takeaway is we're fine, coping as well as can be expected...and doing the best we can to nurture a sense of humor about the whole...state of the world, and all. Fingers crossed that April treats us a whole lot better than its predecessor. Until then, I leave you with these words of encouragement: if you can just manage not to confuse the "anything goes" with the "must wear pants" days, then you are KILLING IT, my friends!