Hey, I didn't get "Chopped"!

I really didn't waaaannnt to cook tonight (yes, Mom gets tired and whiny on occasion, so sue me). Well, if I'm being perfectly honest, I never really feel like preparing meals, but somehow I always feel like eating, so you can see the dilemma. (Which is why in Johna's Happy Place--a magical land where I've suddenly become ridiculously wealthy for no apparent reason--my Personal Chef...hmm, let's call him Jean-Pierre...doesn't he just sound scrumptious already? Where was I? Oh, yes, Jean-Pierre absolutely lives to create delectable, nutritionally-perfect dishes that my family raves about, every evening of the week. And since this is my delightful daydream, he cleans up afterwards as well. Aahhhh.)

But in my actual life, I had to whip up something for the starving masses, all by myself, as usual. Resisting the strong compulsion to summon our dear friend...Papa John (Must...Not...Dial), I scoured the pantry for a likely set of available staples to concoct a reasonably-tasty, nutritionally-acceptable, family-pleasing repast. (Hey, my standards here in the Real World have to be much lower than those of my fantasy chef. Tragically.) A box of linguine, a bag of frozen spinach, toasted pine nuts, olive oil, garlic, salt, and pepper, a sprinkle of parmesan, and voila! (Jean-Pierre would say that, wouldn't he?) I wouldn't call it "gourmet cuisine" by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm sure The Next Food Network Star won't be calling anytime soon to audition me for a slot. (Although what I lack in technical skill, I might be able to make up for with my witty banter for the camera: "Whoo, that water's really hot, so slide the pasta right in there! Now while that's bubbling away, why don't we push the button on the microwave, to steam our spinach! Two appliances at once...we are really on fire now! Don't go too far, because after the break, we're gonna use another pan to saute some garlic!" Or perhaps I should cut back a bit on my "Rachael Ray" viewing, you be the judge!)

BUT...I'm thrilled to report that the reviews from the Expert Panel of Tasters were uniformly positive. They gave me high marks for presentation (You just can not go wrong with cheese on top, am I right?), cooking technique (Yep, I can boil water and nuke stuff with the best of them), and taste. (When in doubt: garlic. Delicious, and repels the Undead! I really should be in Marketing...) The only note of hesitation whatsoever came from Riley (not coincidentally, the pickiest eater in the house) who examined the pile of as-yet-unassembled ingredients and thoughtfully instructed, "Put a LOT of cheese on mine, Mom. That way, it'll cover the taste of the spinach, but I'll still get all of the health benefits!" (I'm not making that up, those were the exact words from my 8-year old's mouth. So practical, so health-conscious...such a gooberhead!)

I suppose until Jean-Pierre arrives to rescue me from the drudgery of cooking, I'll get by--as long as my family forgives the occasional "cheating". You know what I'm talking about--"Hey, let's have breakfast for dinner!" or "Guys, guess what, it's Soup Night! (And yes, I mean 'from a can'.) Fortunately, both of these announcements tend to cause wild cheering and spontaneous hugs for "the best Mom ever", so clearly the boys aren't deducting points on my Parental Scorecard for my culinary lapses. Whew! And finally, when times are really tough, I know my buddy Cal (ifornia Tortilla) has my back (and our rumbling stomachs) leaving me to focus on some of the other essentials in life...like what's for dessert!