The Joy of Reading (sort of)

Let me just say, right off the bat, "it's not my fault!" You see, I was trying to be responsible for my health, and please my chiropractor, and treat my sometimes-grouchy neck and shoulder area with kindness...so I bought a cute, compact cross-body bag to carry around campus this semester. (YES, I'm going with "blame the bag" as my defense, so what? My well-documented, teensy little inability to resist collecting purses is a whole other issue that we don't have to discuss right now!) Anyway, my adorable accessory met my needs perfectly--it was small enough to force me to reevaluate the contents of my work tote and pare down my "must-haves" to the bare minimum. (Wallet/keys/cellphone? Non-negotiable, of course. Lip balm? Absolutely. Tissues? it's always allergy season around here, so heck yes. All the other accumulated nonessential...stuff? Out it goes!) Except...my radical clean-out and lighten-up campaign caused one unforeseen problem: I no longer had space available to carry a book or a magazine (which I realize most people don't consider a necessary part of their professional day, but sometimes in my job, classes are affected by unexpected cancellations or scheduled tests, and I much prefer reading to, say, twiddling my thumbs or writing out my grocery list during my "downtime"). So, how to resolve this knotty puzzle? Well, clearly I must buy a Kindle! It's miniature, it's light, it holds 35,000 books, and (the best part) it fits perfectly in my new bag! (Can you tell I was simultaneously selling the idea to Husband while patting myself on the back for my genius problem-solving skills? He managed to refrain from rolling his eyes...just. At this point, he patiently accepts both my purse-dependency and my enthusiasm for electronics--he's grateful that at least I shop at Target...and backed down from the 4x more-expensive iPad!)

When my newest toy--I mean "literary device"--arrived, I was excited, of course, but also faced an intellectual dilemma. Should I immediately begin filling my Kindle with popular new releases? (Because after I clicked the "Complete Order" button on Amazon, I composed an instantaneous Wish List of all the recently-published books I want to read very soon. Yeah, that's the kind of thing I do to entertain myself...which I'm sure comes as a complete shock...to absolutely no one who has ever met me...) Where was I? Oh yes, detailing my Nerd Behavior. OR, should I search the database of free material for a Classic piece of Literature that had somehow escaped my notice (or more likely, failed to be assigned to me during my years of Captive Reading in High School...and College...and Graduate School)? I will admit that I waffled over my decision, imbuing it with a sense of gravity that it probably didn't deserve. "But it would be the First Selection," I thought, "I must choose something meaningful and worthy." (Why? I don't have the foggiest idea. It seemed important at the time, like I was setting the tone for my future...Reading Endeavors...or some such nonsense.) After much internal debate (a sample: "I get that I ought to read Dickens, but I'd rather stick pins in my eyes!" and "I realize that many, many people adore Jane Austen...but she just makes me want to throw things!") With varying degrees of guilt--as though there were an English teacher looking over my shoulder, shaking her head and tut-tutting in disapproval at the renowned works I considered and dismissed (Poe: too bleak! Hemingway: too wordy! Dostoyevsky: too...dense!)--I finally settled on (dah dah dah DA) The Time Machine by H.G. Wells...and Paradise Lost by John Milton. (I know, I know, I can't believe I did that either. In my defense, did I mention the FREE part? And, you know, with that cast--Adam, Eve, Satan--I thought it couldn't help being a thriller.)

Quite satisfied with my weighty, significant choices, I couldn't wait to dive in and start absorbing all this good writing. Why, I swear I felt brighter already, just from having downloaded such challenging literary masterpieces. During a quiet moment at lunchtime one day, I tackled the first few lines of Paradise Lost. Uhhh-huhhh. A 10-book epic poem in blank verse written in 1667...what in Heaven's name (ha ha) was I thinking? Yes, I fully expected to find it slow going, even somewhat difficult, but not...utterly incomprehensible gibberish. I mean, I recognize the words as English, but that's about as much as I understand. Suspect I might be exaggerating? ('cuz, well, I tend to do that on occasion) Brace yourself for an honest-to-goodness quote: "From him, who in the happy Realms of Light Cloth'd with transcendent brightness didst out-shine Myriads though bright: If he Whom mutual league,United thoughts and counsels, equal hope And hazard in the Glorious Enterprize, Joynd with me once, now misery hath joynd In equal ruin: into what Pit thou seest From what highth fall'n, so much the stronger prov'd He with his Thunder: and till then who knew The force of those dire Arms?" 
Say it with me now: WHAT THE???? And just trust me when I solemnly tell you: it continues like that...forever! Oy! So in defeat and despair, I switched to H.G. Wells...and in the very first sentence encountered a word I didn't recognize. Oh no! I thought I was supposed to be getting smarter! On the plus side, the Kindle comes equipped with not one, but TWO dictionaries you can utilize to look words up instantly. (In case you're curious: "recondite" means profound or obscure. You have my permission to go ahead and throw that into cocktail party conversations.)

Fortunately Riley, also enamored with my new plaything, provided me with a distraction by requesting that I find him a story about toads (his latest obsession, don't ask). I chanced upon a nice little (99-cent) tale entitled Mr. Toad Gets Married. And when things got too tough on the Medieval Poetry and Early Science Fiction fronts, I read it too! (It was charming...and oh, so easy!) So for now I'm going to stick with it ("Learn 'til it Hurts", that's my...just-coined...motto) but there is no doubt that my next download will be something light and fluffy...and possibly even trashy, to balance out all this painful Great Literature. Hmm, I wonder how much the latest Sookie Stackhouse novel goes for these days...