Second...but still special!

I grew up in a family with two siblings...well, sort of. What I mean is: I was a solo child for seven years, until my little sister came along. By that point, I was already in second grade, off doing my own thing, and viewed the baby as somewhat of a novelty (like a very realistic doll...or possibly an alien visitor) rather than an actual, you know, person. (This is all entirely conjecture, as I don't clearly recall my childhood feelings on the subject.) Until the time I left for college, of course, I was always the "oldest kid", thoroughly enjoying the perks and privileges commensurate with that position. Because of the age difference, my sister and I didn't really develop a friendship to speak of (changing diapers and babysitting don't allow for much of this) until she was older and we could interact with one another as adults. Also noteworthy as background to our topic of the day (which I promise to reward your patience by arriving at very shortly): Husband is an Only Child, so had no other kids around to compete/share/bond with in his household. Why do I mention this? (Besides the obvious allure of talking about myself to a spellbound audience...ha!) Because what we're experiencing right now at Team WestEnders is completely unfamiliar territory...a case of Second Child Syndrome.

Now, there's only about a 3-year age gap between Derek and Riley, meaning that they do have a close connection with each other. But every once in a while that span of 40 months seems to stretch into a wide chasm separating older from younger brother. For example, Riley was born near the end of the Summer, and just two weeks later, Derek skipped off to Preschool for the first time. He also already belonged to a tightly-knit Playgroup of friends he'd "met" when he was only 5 months old. As the solo child for those first 3 years, he benefited from being Mommy's Explore-the-World Buddy. He attended Mom's Club field trips, took kiddie classes for fun and enrichment, and commandeered my full attention for his brief-but-stimulating "Only Child Period".

On the other hand, there's poor Riley. As an infant, he naturally got dragged around to all these exciting activities--even though he doesn't remember, and didn't get anything out of it. He got included in Playgroup adventures--as did all the younger siblings--but didn't form the same close relationship with the other Second Kids that the older ones shared. By the time Derek sprinted off to full-day Kindergarten, I'd kind of grown weary of the Mom's Club agenda. Consequently, Riley didn't get treated to the full slate of educational and entertaining events that his brother had...because Mommy had already "been there, done that". (Sooooorry, sweetie!) I'm not saying I put him in a playpen and ignored him all day, or that we just sat inside the house and stared at each other...but Riley got subjected to a lot more of the "Mom's gotta get this done, so strap in for the ride" type of stuff. (And anyway, who says Target or Giant Food can't be a load of laughs?) Then there was the inevitable "Hand-Me-Down" phenomenon. While Derek got all of the new clothes and toys, Riley wore whatever his big brother didn't damage or dirty beyond saving...and played with things his older sibling had outgrown or tossed aside in boredom.

And you know what? Most of the time, Riley doesn't seem to either notice--or care--about the drawbacks to being born second. He adores his big brother, wants to spend time with him, tries to be just like him (although he honestly is probably not even aware of this, and would vehemently deny it if confronted with the evidence). It doesn't bother him to receive already-worn clothing or broken-in toys--sometimes he even gets a kick out of recognizing "this used to be Derek's, and now it's mine"--as though it's a precious gift from his sibling, and not just something that was passed on to get more use out of it. (Shh! Don't tell him I said that!) He never minded (or again, maybe didn't register) not going on his own special excursions, because frankly, he'd rather include Derek anyway and go somewhere together.

But every once in a while, a smidge of Second Child jealousy rears its head. Like when Derek carefully socks away his allowance over several months until he accumulates enough to buy a cool new electronic gadget...that Riley then envies. (But doesn't have the patience or perseverance to scrimp and save for, himself!) Or the times his older, more socially-savvy brother, who already has an established group of school friends he's been palling around with since elementary school, quickly and easily arranges his own playdates, sleepovers, what have you. This leaves Riley wondering plaintively, "Mom, when can I invite a friend over?" And here's a True Parent Confession: I'm just not as good about setting up after-school or weekend things for Riley. With Derek, I am personally acquainted with most of his friends AND their parents, so it's no big deal. But Riley's peer group is largely unknown to me, so it feels a little more...awkward...even a little scary...to send him off to some stranger's house. (Even though I'm sure they're very nice people, don't get me wrong!)

But the clearest clue provided by Riley--that he sometimes wants a little more of the spotlight--came during a family discussion one evening. I forget the circumstances, but we were reminiscing about vacations we'd taken, and mentioned that Derek and I have actually gone on several trips together, by ourselves (Rochester, Milwaukee, and Florida--Riley might forgive us that last one, since he did technically accompany us...in utero!) Riley affected a slight pout (his standard warning sign that he's about to pull the "I'm so cute you must give in to my demands" card) and asked, "Can we go somewhere, just you and me?" I replied, "Suuuuure, honey, where do you want to go?" I'm thinking: "Costco? Toys 'R Us?" How ambitious could my 8-1/2 year old be with this request? He thought for a moment or two, then decisively answered, "Atlanta!" Whoa! Dude, that's a...plane ride...and everything! I stalled by projecting a reaction filled with surprise and reluctance--but in my head I had instantly begun plotting...let's see, there's a baseball stadium there, and lots of other fun stuff to do...and I know two families that live in the area who might be willing to loan us some guest bedroom space...this might be do-able! Plus erase some of my Mom Guilt while we're at it: Win/Win! So, to my peeps in the Peach State, you're officially on notice: we might be headed your way...sometime...I'll keep you posted! (In the meantime, to reinforce to Riley that he's not always Number 2, maybe I can get away with a nice local outing one day...just you and me at Home Depot, baby, it'll be a blast!)