Here I Am (no thanks to the GPS)!

So, to continue my Map Saga: over many years and several continents, with tons of practice and a few failings, I eventually located--and learned to trust--my Inner Compass. Granted, while everything is crystal clear to me on the printed page, I still have no earthly clue how to find directional points in the 3-D world. It astonishes me that some people can just look around and know which way they're going--it's like magic. (Or maybe I need to work on developing my...Inner Sundial...) Anyway, I finally realized that I do, in fact, have some Directional Instinct--even if it does rely on landmarks instead of mile markers, and speak to me in the language of "left/right" rather than "North/South".

Then (duh duh DAH) Mapquest hit the scene, and was a HUGE deal. You could just ask your computer how to get someplace...and it would immediately tell you! (Starting with how to exit your own neighborhood, which always cracked me up...um, thanks? Just how pathetic do you assume I am?) But alas, the errors in good old Mapquest let me down more times than I could count, and I became disgruntled. (Not to mention the obvious drawbacks: the need for a computer...and all the printing...and then squinting at the lines while actually trying to DRIVE.) And then, just when I decided to reject the idiosyncracies of modern technology (harumph) and go back to the old reliable standbys--a tattered map and a Pioneering Spirit--the Age of the GPS arrived with a bang. Suddenly everyone could just type any address into a compact electronic device (or their phone, for crying out loud) and get spoken turn-by-turn instructions for how to get there. Holy Satellites, Batman! (Not only is Big Brother alive and well, he's watching YOU, and wants to show you the way to Grandma's!)

Of course, after stolidly maintaining for a while that I Did Not Need Or Want A GPS, I was eventually overcome with Electronic Envy, and asked for one for Christmas. There was some initial puzzlement, as it absolutely insisted that our house was in...Chicago (until I stepped out into the back yard and allowed it to acquire the correct satellite data...Owner's Manual? Pshaw, who needs it?). But after that, we had fun choosing a "personality" (Australian Girl) and preparing for her Maiden Voyage. We decided to use a visit to a friend's house (a route so familiar we could navigate it while napping) as a Test Run. Excitement ran high as we set out for our faraway destination (okay...Frederick). And then it happened: not 15 minutes from our house, she screwed up for the first time. She didn't seem to know that due to the construction of a new highway, our ramp had permanently switched from a right exit to a left exit. I gaped in disbelief at the stupid little computer as it stubbornly, repeatedly commanded us in its robotic Aussie voice to take a closed ramp...into a mud puddle. Then she uttered what I've come to think of as her favorite word (at least in MY car, anyway): RECALCULATING. I swear I can almost hear her sigh when she says it, and add under her breath, "Fine, it's your life, but that's not what I would do!" (Or is that just me, imagining my inanimate object is chastising me?)

I'm sorry to report that Babs has disappointed us several times since then. (I dubbed her Babs because it seemed to fit her naggy, backseat-driver character. Also, it's short and snappy, perfect for instances when she disagrees with me about which way I should go, and I feel the need to yell something along the lines of..."Bite me, Babs!"...for example.) I think it's clear that Babs and I have some Serious Trust Issues. I should have known that with my Type-A, need-to-be-in-control personality, I'm never going to just accept her word for it, when I think I have a better idea. Is there counseling for this kind of relationship? For now, I would have to say Babs is on Probation. IF in the coming months, she proves that she can handle local excursions without leading us astray, by putting forth a good-faith effort to do her job properly and get us to our endpoint, THEN we'll consider letting her call the shots for a Family Road Trip. She has until this Summer to get her act together, since we're planning to go to upstate New York and Boston...and we do NOT want to end up in the Atlantic Ocean...or (even worse!) Canada! Maybe we'll start with a training jaunt to the mall or something. But If I'm not back by tomorrow...check Pennsylvania!