Feeding Frenzy...

Gosh, it's been weeks since I've written about food, so it must be time for an anecdote that revolves around eating, right? I ran into a friend in the grocery store recently, and while we did appreciate the chance for a lovely impromptu catch-up chat in the condiment aisle, (I guess you could even say we "relished" the opportunity to "ketchup"...hahahaha! Sorry.) we both lamented the fact that we seem to make these shopping forays every few days. Why is it, we wondered, that we can't seem to buy enough at one time to last, say, an entire week? We're smart, organized women, what's going on here? Then Derek came home from school, and--ding ding ding--I had my answer. After we exchanged the usual pleasantries about his school day, he got down to the serious business of assembling his afternoon snack. First he demolished the small bowl of trail mix I had left out for him. Then he asked if he could have a yogurt. Next he eagerly requested a bag of chips. Partially amused, a bit exasperated, and rapidly becoming incredulous, I instructed him to have some fruit instead. So he scraped the last bits of Nutella out of the bottom of the jar, and smeared it on an apple. "Now can I have chips? he finally implored. Good. Grief. And forget about it being a one-time thing: the next day he blew through chips, yogurt, an apple, and a bowl of dry Frosted Mini-Wheats at 3:30. Then he wandered into the kitchen at 5:30 and declared in an anguished voice, "I'm starrrrving!" So I let him have a Fiber One cereal bar to "tide him over until dinner"...in an hour. The way I see it, one of two things is happening--either A) BOTH of his legs are now hollow, and therefore able to hold twice the amount of food he could formerly pack in or B) he's going to wake up one morning very soon and have grown 3 inches in his sleep overnight. Stay tuned.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not really complaining about the fact that I have a kid who loves food. In fact, the one thing our mixed household--that is, a pack of meat-loving boys and one lone vegetarian girl--can completely agree upon is that we all like to eat. The rest is up for negotiation and compromise, such as this evening, when I presented Sloppy Joes made from a meatless, soy-based mix. Everyone's dinner disappeared in a hurry, with the sounds of contented chomping overriding any mutinous comments about the lack of animal content. This is one of those moments when I'm really excited to find an acceptable substitute for something that I've been missing. Another example: the other day I stumbled upon a packaged stuffing at Whole Foods. Now, you'd think stuffing would be a no-brainer--it's just bread crumbs, right? Yes, but...all of the prepared mixes contain either partially-hydrogenated oil, or chicken broth, or both. So when I picked up the package, resigned to scanning the ingredients and putting it right back on the shelf as usual, I was elated to be able to actually bring it home instead. Thanksgiving dinner is Derek's favorite meal of the entire year, so I thought he'd be very pleased to have a repeat of it as a surprise.

The next hurdle was gravy, which some folks can live without, but we tend to ladle over almost everything on the Thanksgiving plate. All of the bottled gravies on the mass-supermarket shelves contain the aforementioned two no-nos. But a trip to my local Roots Market netted me a vegetarian alternative. Yay! Now, in order that I might fully participate in the big Faux Feast, I just needed to get around the...well...turkey issue. Here, Tofurkey is the obvious choice...but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. (Besides the incredibly dorky name, which is a huge Strike One, my family absolutely puts their collective metaphorical foot down at the mention of tofu in any form...even smothered in gravy.) Therefore I went with soy chicken patties, which we've had before, and nobody minds (incredibly, it really does "taste like chicken"...and did I mention it will be swimming in gravy anyway?) Having assembled all of the necessary elements for our dinner, I was almost home-free...but I made one fatal error. You see, I always post a list on the calendar--mostly to remind myself, I didn't think anyone else actually even glanced at it--of what I plan to serve for dinner each night of the week. In retrospect, I should have known Derek would eyeball it, since the boy always wants to know exactly what his next meal will consist of (and precisely when it will be available, if possible). Here was my mistake: I wrote "turkey" next to the Thursday slot. "Hey, Mom", he curiously inquired, "what does that mean, in quotations?" Oh, drat! So I quickly explained that it was really a chicken-substitute, but hastened to remind him that he had eaten it before and liked it. (I promise!) He looked down his nose at me with an expression of mild skepticism, shook his head, and commented dryly, "Vegetarian Thanksgiving in December...we are a messed up family."

Okay fine, wise guy, but how much do you want to bet that cruelty-free, planet-friendly, environmentally-responsible spread looks fantastic at about 6:30 on Thursday night...when you're starrrrving? Until then, I probably need to make another run to the store...for more fruit...and yogurt...and chips...(sigh...)