Of Courts and Kitchens...

You can imagine--in a house with 3 males--that sporting events show up on the TV quite often. Penn State and Ravens football, Orioles baseball, University of Maryland basketball, anything on Fox Soccer Channel...it's a neverending display of sweaty men in uniforms, I tell ya. And the boys even love the commercials, with the chance to ogle cool cars, salivate over junky snack food, and chuckle at silly beer drinkers. However, when I'm sharing the couch with them, I have zero tolerance for advertising breaks. I have a quick trigger finger on the Recall button, as I would much rather catch a few minutes of an alternate show while waiting for the action on the field or court to recommence. And my go-to station? Why, Food Network, of course! Thus my sons have been exposed to such gems as Worst Cooks in America (which makes them howl with laughter over the poor, inept contestants as they attempt to successfully perform such complex tasks as...boiling water and dicing vegetables), Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (which causes them to drool with envy at the delectable dishes Guy gets to chow down), and Chopped. (More on this, stay tuned...)

While they used to make fun of me for watching so many cooking shows, I suspected that they had begun to secretly enjoy our little side trips to the all-things-food-channel. (What was my first clue? When an episode of Triple-D ended, and Derek immediately requested permission to continue viewing the next one...okay, so maybe it wasn't such a secret after all...) Which led us to this weekend, in front of the NCAA Tournament, focused for hours on the very tall young men dribbling and shooting--that is, for a few seconds at a time, between the seemingly continuous parade of timeouts and TV interruptions. So, we ended up spending a lot of quality time rooting for a different set of competitors: the talented, ambitious Chefs on Chopped. We eagerly anticipated the moment they opened their baskets, so we could see what crazy ingredients they'd have to incorporate into their dish (Baby octopi...huckleberries...yucca? These are items we will NOT be eating for dinner anytime soon!) We marveled at the concoctions they created. We argued with the judges about their nit-picky criticisms. (Derek: "who cares what the 'plating' looks like? It's food! Eat it already and tell us how it tastes!") We predicted who would be eliminated from each round. And we picked a family favorite that we cheered for to walk away with the Grand Prize and Chopped Champion title. (Yeah, we're Cooking Show Dorks.)

In fact, the kitchen battle was so heated and riveting, at one point Riley protested, "No! Don't switch back; I want to the see who's staying!" As it turned out, we didn't care so much about who won that particular basketball contest (my bracket being a mess by now, anyway), but the girl we supported on Chopped walked away with the victory. By far the funniest thing, though, happened a little later when the boys were getting ready for bed. Suddenly Derek popped into my room, a gleeful grin plastering his face, and announced, "Tomorrow morning, Riley and I are going to give you four mystery ingredients and 30 minutes to come up with a breakfast entree! You'll be judged on presentation, taste, and creativity!" Then he paused for a moment and remembered to add helpfully, "You'll have full use of the pantry and refrigerator!" Oh. My. Goodness. Someone's been memorizing Ted Allen's schtick...not only that, but I'm under considerable pressure to come up with an exciting meal (at a time of day when I'm not functioning at my utmost--unless the kind judges will allow me to have my coffee first) and...I could be chopped! (Wait, does that absolve me from all future food preparation responsibilities? Hey...maybe I'll just..."accidentally"...present something hideously inedible! Let's see what we have available: olives and Nutella and sesame crackers and applesauce. The clock starts now, GO!)