Perils of the Pool

Today's anecdote comes to you courtesy of Derek, who probably will not be as amused by the retelling as I was by the original incident...but it just goes to show you how your life is fraught with all sorts of danger and doom, when you have a Mom Who Blogs. (Overly dramatic? Yeah, that's another risk that accompanies a creative parent. I just keep my fingers perpetually crossed that Derek--who thus far has been a completely open-book, tell-all, un-self-conscious kind of guy--never becomes too embarrassed to tell me stories. Or to allow me to put them in print...on the Web...for the whole wide world to see. Luckily, as Husband points out, "He does like to read his own Press.")

Anyway, the three males were preparing to storm the pool for the first time this season. Derek and Riley dug out their swimsuits, and attempted to shimmy into them...oops. Guess we didn't think to do a little size check this Spring...but it was worth the price of admission (even if that was "free") to watch Riley grimace and wriggle and tug his shorts over his tushie...then jump around and try to remedy the massive wedgie he received as a reward for his valiant efforts. "It's fine," he bravely asserted, just before I made him take it off and use one of Derek's...which fit perfectly. Uh oh. This didn't bode well for the older brother, who we already know has shot up 3 inches and packed on 10+ pounds since last Summer. Using the same hop/squirm/pull technique, Derek managed to force himself into his own suit, declaring it, "Okay...for today at least." (I think he might even have been holding his breath and sucking in his stomach to facilitate the process. Memo to me: Target trip, STAT!)

After that pre-game warmup, off they went to the Swim Club. (Sounds much swankier that way than "neighborhood pool", yes?) Meanwhile I stayed home to...well, frankly I don't remember exactly what I did while they were gone, but it's not important. When they returned, our tale resumes. Derek immediately came upstairs to treat me to the full Pool Report. "We saw the F family and the G family and the H family (not making this up--it just so happens some of our... alphabetically-sequenced...friends were there at the same time). But wait, here comes the exciting plot twist: after a short pause he added, almost as an afterthought, "And some girls from my school were there...they kept calling my name...which I didn't really get. First reaction: "Awww, how precious! Little tweeny-boppers are flirting with my baby!" Followed instantly by: "Heeeyyyy, wait just a doggone minute!" And the funny thing is, I can picture the scene with absolute clarity: the pack of females hanging together, hailing the boys with their high-pitched girly voices, then hiding behind their hands and giggling amongst themselves...OY.

Fortunately, Derek seemed bemused and befuddled by the whole experience. Or perhaps by relating the occurrence to me, what he really sought was some Mom Answers and Advice. Well, here it is, sweetie: girls are alien creatures that you will not even begin to understand until you are much, MUCH older. So truly, there's no point wasting any time on them right now. Focus on stuff like sports, video games, and bro-bonding and you'll be just fine. Now run along and play some soccer while I go shopping for the ugliest, least-girl-attracting swimsuit I can find. (Think that'll help? Worth a shot, right?)