Tuesday, April 14, 2009

On second thought, I'll just stick to the Press Box!

In the spirit of fair play, I think it's fitting to list some reasons why I'm glad NOT to be a famous sports figure...

--Even if I screw up royally (like forgetting to buy ice cream, or failing to do laundry when all the little Fruit of the Looms in the house are stinky), I don't get booed. No one throws beer or peanut shells at me. I am free to handle any smart-aleck remarks by immediately ejecting the "fan" (son) to his room.
--If I have a colossally bad outing (think Chien-Ming Wang, who gave up 8 earned runs in ONE inning yesterday, racking up a tidy 28.93 ERA. And no, I did not misplace the decimal.), I don't have to spend the rest of the season trying to remedy it. Thank goodness, there's no "Mommy Stats"!
--I don't have to go to Detroit. Ever.
--Sports reporters don't follow me around, scrutinizing and analyzing my every move (I believe she's headed to the bathroom...what could that mean? Film at 11!).
--My job isn't in jeopardy if I experience a slump at the plate (like a couple of bad dinners...get it? "plate"?) or walk a few too many batters. I have a no-trade clause, and I can't be sent back down to the minors!

However, I may have to negotiate some "incentive clauses" for my contract ...chocolate kisses for good performance?

No comments: